Let’s face it: when it comes to athletic competition, you’ll take every advantage you can get. The race doesn’t always have to go to the quickest of feet or the golf round to the whitest of WASP; the right sports gear makes all the difference in the world.
The sports equipment and apparel industry is currently experiencing a boom like never before, which is great because pretty soon their products will be all that you have to survive in the brutal, “Mad Max” apocalypse that’s coming in six months. While guzzaline and aqua cola may be scarce and death lurks around every corner, the real key to survival will be your athletic equipment.
That’s why we’ve broken down the best pieces of sports gear to survive six months from now, when your comfortable office job seems like a dream as you eat dog food from a can and cower from the hordes of the great warlord Vivisectus!
Football Shoulder Pads: As we all know, surviving in the devastation of human civilization that will occur right around your next birthday is a contact sport. You’re going to need some high-quality shock absorption for your upper body, which is why now is the time to invest in a good set of NFL-endorsed shoulder pads to protect you in the Thunderdome. Bonus: they look great festooned with spikes and human bones!
Soccer Shin Guards: These may not be the most glamorous piece of sports equipment out there, but in less than half a year when the country has been burnt to a cinder by fire and drowned in water, you’ll be glad your shins are protected! Guard your soft, moist, delicious flesh and shin bones, lest you be slowed by injury and fall behind the rest of Holy Vivisectus’s horde.
You know what happens to easy prey in the wake of the horde. Or at least you will by late summer, at most.
Lacrosse Transparent Full Body Armor: Some people call lacrosse a “niche sport” or “for asshole preppies,” but one thing is certain: the transparent, vacuum-molded full body that is standard issue for midfield and defense will be very handy in the atomic wasteland you’ll be living in before your latest job is even worth putting on your resume. Not only does it protect you from opposing lacrosse attackmen, but it hides the horror of your irradiated flesh from the world!
Steel Hockey Mask: We won’t even get into why this will help in the Future Times, because we’re sure you already have one hanging in your closet for sex reasons.
Eye Black: When you’re out in the Blasted Lands, just cruising for any wanderers you can cannibalize, you’re going to want to protect your eyes. Look like the cool guys in the former NFL from when times were better and green vegetation still existed by coating your undereye area in light-deflecting eye black, though nothing will protect you the memories of all you’ve done to survive in the last few months.
Razor Boomerang: While most people think of a razor-sharp chrome boomerang as a toy for kids, it actually can have multiple uses in the waking nightmare that you will live in far sooner than you could possibly imagine! You can dig with it! Cut sandwiches! Throw it into the heads of rival marauders from a great distance!
When you’ve got a boomerang and all rules of humanity are out the window, the world’s your oyster. Which also won’t exist anymore in six months, by the way.