I used to be consumed by anger and shame whenever I made mistakes, all the while giving others the benefit of the doubt. What a schmuck! In recent years I’ve managed to turn my life around, with massively improved well-being, inner peace, and hunger for retribution of those who cross me. Here’s how you can reach that state of nirvana, too.
First off, it’s essential that you internalize the idea that even your ‘mistakes’ are actually the fault of other people. Whenever you find yourself flirting with personal responsibility, remember, they drove you to that mental breakdown at your niece’s birthday party. They made you set the local library on fire. Insofar as you’ve made any mistakes at all, which you haven’t, you were set up to fail. That time you got drunk and trashed your friend’s apartment? That all started with a beer. And who gave you that beer? Jerry. That prick. He should know better.
Remember, you’re doing your best. Whether you actually are doing your best is immaterial. As long as you’re telling yourself, and others, that in a teary, knee-jerk justification of your behaviour, you’re golden. It’s not easy being you. Just getting through the day makes you a kind of hero, like an ambulance driver or firefighter. Who could begrudge someone so selfless the occasional outburst? You’re doing your best.
Other people, however, clearly aren’t doing their best. A vital part of your new outlook is understanding that everyone else is out to get you. The things they do may seem innocuous, even well intentioned, but they’re not. Just last week my neighbor gave me a homemade cake. Sounds nice enough right? Except I’m on a diet. Now I weigh one cake heavier. What a bitch. Cling tightly to the idea that everyone you meet is trying to sabotage you. The fact you’re a washed up nobody sleeping on a couch is exactly because you didn’t keep your guard up. And it’s got nothing to do with cheating on your girlfriend. Again. Or getting horribly drunk at work. Again.
Your well-being is always, always the priority. Show yourself love. Put time aside each day to meditate on other people’s flaws. Fixating on the imperfections of others helps to strengthen your inner sense of purity and being put upon. Besides, how can you be expected not to get out of your mind on ketamin and ruin your cousin’s wedding when you’re surrounded by such fucking idiots?
Nurturing this worldview is a steady, tender task, like looking after a bonsai, but it’s worth it. Good luck, and stay the hell away from me.