To some, it is a delicious dish replete with grilled meats and vegetables, best enjoyed in the company of friends and family. However, to local claims adjuster Pete Keane, the pomp and circumstance implied in a fajita order is too much to bear.
“It’s way too much pressure,” Pete explained over a plate of flautas. “Like what if I make the fajita wrong? The waiter never gives any instructions. It’s normally a team of waiters who bring it out too, so now do I have to tip them on top of my main waiter? That’s a lot of hands on deck for just little old me. And why is the meat still cooking on an incredibly hot cast-iron skillet? Do I need to continue to cook it? Will it make me sick if I don’t? How will I know when it’s done? I’m not a chef, I’m just a local claims adjuster!”
Sure, these may sound like the isolated ramblings of a neurotic freak, but sadly Pete is not alone. As our society grows more insular and stupid, “Fajita Panic” has steadily been on the rise, reportedly plaguing one out of six hundred adults according to the watchdog group Scary Food Alliance.
Still, little is known about this emerging form of mental illness. What is driving the fear? Childhood trauma? Feelings of inadequacy? Claustrophobia? Logic dictates these people are mostly eating alone, probably wearing a full puffy winter coat or something, so why would it matter if their meal takes up over half the table?
While many questions remain unanswered, it is clear that Pete’s penchant for cuckolding himself through meals is not exclusive to fajitas.
“I actually had a seizure once at a Red Robin when my ex-wife told the waitstaff it was my birthday. They ambushed me, singing a weird, updated version of Happy Birthday and served me a cheeseburger with a fried egg on top. What am I supposed to do with that?! I’ve jumped out of a moving car more than once in the Benihana parking lot. Luckily there’s a Panera Bread in the same shopping center where I could order off a tablet and silently soup myself to sleep.”
If you or someone you know struggles with fajita panic, please contact your local Panera Bread and get the help you need.