HOUSTON — Conspiracy theorist Giovanni Holland took to YouTube today to reveal a new theory alleging Neil Armstrong faked his infamous orgasm during the 1969 Apollo Moon Landing, sources confirmed.
“The story that the deep state has been feeding us for years claims that Neil Armstrong’s first orgasm on the moon wasn’t just one small nut for man, but one giant skeet for all mankind—But what if I told you that I have smoking gun evidence that proves that while the Eagle landed, Neil Armstrong’s meat rocket never actually achieved liftoff?” said Holland, teasing his new YouTube series The Moonshot Deception. “Listen to the calm timbre of Armstrong’s voice, does that sound like the orgasmic excitement of the first man to jizz on an alien world?”
NASA scientist Gunther Schwartz called the conspiracy theory “ludicrous” after personally witnessing Armstrong ejaculate vigorously during training.
“The idea that Neil Armstrong would endure seven years of astronaut training, travel 240,000 miles and get as close to God as any human being has ever been just to fake an orbit-altering orgasm is patently absurd,” said Schwartz, looking at a framed, autographed tissue. “In fact, I myself was present to witness Armstrong reach climax hundreds of times in the flight simulator. Just because he wasn’t howling like a dog in heat like Buzz Aldrin doesn’t mean that he didn’t have a perfectly dignified orgasm appropriate for the historic occasion.”
Fellow Apollo 11 astronaut Buzz Aldrin was reportedly furious that someone would question the veracity of his co-astronaut’s orgasm upon landing on the moon.
“If I ever meet this Holland character I’ll punch that son of a bitch in the mouth, cause I got a real problem with these peckerwoods claiming they know what happened up there when we all know damn well they couldn’t even get it up with 5Gs of gravitational force pressing down on their flaccid little chubs,” said Aldrin during a fiery rant. “Now did Michael Collins pop his champagne cork a little early? Sure, but what mortal man wouldn’t when gently caressing the supple curves of that goddess Luna at 9,300 feet per second?”
Holland’s next documentary, The Warren Cummission, alleges a new JFK conspiracy claiming there was no shooter on the Grassy Hole.