BOSTON — Local scene veteran Randy Ragnar amazed attendees at a house party with his seamless recitation of all five lead vocalists of Black Flag, several sources with the same parole officer reported.
“We were celebrating finding out that whatever my buddy Horst had wasn’t scabies,” Ragnar said. “Just when it seemed like things were winding down, I got everyone’s attention and just said ‘Keith Morris, Ron Reyes, Dez Cadena, Henry Rollins, Mike Vallely, Ron Reyes, Mike Vallely.’ As usual, people were mouthing ‘motherfucker’ not only from the fact that I knew the name of ‘the other one’ but also that I remembered the ‘My War’ shows he did with them in ‘03. I swear, even Cronus, in his Wild Turkey-and-Hawaiian Punch-induced blackout seemed to process it long enough to applaud before puking into the freezer.”
Kurt Lawton, a long-time friend of Ragnar’s, admitted to feelings of envy regarding his incredible ability.
“I love Randy, but I know to not even bother with my standby of putting out a cigarette on that one part of my gums that had gone completely numb due to nerve damage,” Lawton said while fact-checking him online. “I could cut off my tongue and swallow it whole and it wouldn’t be half as impressive as what he pulls off. He’s like a modern day Nostradamus. And don’t think you can trip him up by asking him about ‘Flag,’ either. Just take it from me.”
Black Flag founder and only consistent member Greg Ginn was also in awe of Ragnar’s skill.
“I know that people expect that I, the guy who started Black Flag, would be able to at least know the first names of every guy who’s handled vocals for us,” Ginn said. “Let’s see, we had Keith, Henry, and that guy…Rick, is that it? There’s a couple others, aren’t there? Honestly, when the new guy joined, I tried my best to remember but eventually, I just called him ‘Champ’ and ultimately kinda stuck with that. I can’t, however, name a single one of our drummers. Probably doesn’t matter anyway.”
At press time, Ragnar had further stunned guests when he revealed he had listened to Black Flag’s 2013 album “What The…” “at least five or six times.”