HUNTINGTON BEACH, Calif. — Frontman Dale Leinert humiliated himself after his blind date discovered the font size of his band on a local festival poster was nowhere near as big as he told her, sources close to the band have confirmed.
“No, no, no. See, what she needs to realize is the size of a band’s billing varies by what kind of paper the promoters use and if you’re looking at the flyer on your phone. I mean, is there really that much of a difference between 6 and 14 points? It’s a perfectly normal size in smaller entertainment markets,” said Leinert. “Doesn’t everyone exaggerate on the first date? If anything, the reason it seems smaller on the poster is because ‘Neutral Milk Hotel California’ is too long of a band name to fit in the middle of the bill. This is clearly a formatting issue and not a performance problem.”
Leinert’s date admitted she would not have cared so much about his band’s billing had he not made multiple attempts to gaslight her.
“I know some singers get self-conscious about their bill placement, but I’m not fucking stupid. He spent the entire night bragging how his band was on the same tier as Bouncing Souls, and when I pulled the flyer out of his pocket I saw they’re almost dead last next to some DJ I’ve never heard of,” said Emily Jones. “He was freaking out, so I told him lots of small bands actually sound bigger once they’re on stage but he kept trying to trick me into believing the problem was that women see fonts differently from men. Have fun with your 10 am time slot, asshole.”
The festival’s promoter acknowledged he’s relentlessly badgered by bands regarding their placement and size on the posters.
“It’s more than just politics and posturing, it’s one hundred percent about ego. Any promoter can tell you the very second festival lineups are announced, smaller bands start coming after our graphic designers to ‘enhance’ their names by putting it in Impact font or some bullshit,” said promoter Daniel Berry. “I don’t want to blow up anyone’s spot, but if someone you know sends you an unsolicited picture of the festival lineup they’re playing, chances are it’s been Photoshopped to look bigger. Just saying.”
At press time, Jones left in the middle of the date after Leinert relentlessly insisted to her that 200 streams a month is actually a lot for Spotify artists.