HAMTRAMCK, Mich. — Local dumpster diver Kev Grubbs treated himself to some wet food that was beyond his typical dry diet, according to sources at Dollar General.
“I recently had a bit of a windfall while scrapping aluminum and decided to treat myself to something special,” said Grubbs as he pulled the lid off a can of chili. “I tend to get all of my food from dumpsters and it’s usually on the dry side. The bakery down the street tosses tons of bagels, but I rarely find any cream cheese so I just have to raw dog bread. I like to think of myself as a very good boy, if not the goodest of boys, so I figured I deserved some fancy wet stuff, like this one can here that contains salmon and chicken filets in gravy from some brand named Purina. Incredibly satisfying.”
Housemate Erin Stamp says the excitement among the other residents of their punk house was palpable when Grubbs brought home the canned goods.
“Kev came in the door like Santa Claus carrying a big bag of moist goods,” said Stamp while devouring some SpaghettiOs. “As soon as he punctured a can with the opener, everyone in the house came running. We all queued up in the kitchen as he passed out the food. I got a tin of sardines, which is considered a delicacy in some parts of the world—or at least in our house. Kev was kind to share but he can also be kind of a dick. He actually made one of our housemates balance a cocktail frank on his nose for thirty seconds until he said ‘okay!’ and let him eat it.”
A balanced diet including both wet and dry food can be important for overall health, according to Dr. Wendy Scofield.
“While a consistent diet is ideal, it’s not a good idea for it to be restricted to a single type of food,” said Dr. Scofield. “If a diet mostly consists solely of dry food, I recommend incorporating more saturated nourishment on occasion to add a variety of nutrients and vitamins that the dry stuff may lack. Additionally, introducing wet food can help with hydration, gut health and encourage a shiny, healthy coat. Wait, I’m talking about dogs—what are you talking about? You do know I’m a veterinarian, right?”
At press time, Grubbs’ mother texted her son, telling him to stay out of dumpsters and just come home to eat a decent meal if he’s hungry.