LOS ANGELES — U2 frontman Bono announced that the wildfires in California have devastated enough property and ruined a sufficient amount of lives for him to officialy write a tribute song, distraught sources confirmed.
“Good news, brothers and sisters of the City of Angels, your pain and suffering has officially inspired me,” shouted Bono through a bullhorn to a crowd of displaced residents. “I want you to know that your tears are not in vain, and the reward for your anguish is that I’m excited to announce that I’ve begun work on a little ditty about the horrors that you’ve gone through. I’m calling it ‘Miss Pacific Palisades’ and you’ll be able to find this song immediately on your smartphone. And before you ask, no, you won’t be able to delete it. You’re welcome.”
LA fire victim Cathy Simmons described how this news is hitting her family.
“Damn, just when we thought our lives couldn’t get any worse,” said Simmons as she sifted through the rubble of the home which has been in her family for generations. “When the fires hit, we barely had enough time to pack the kids and dog into the van and get away to safety. When we were finally allowed to return, we were greeted by the grim reality that our lives would never be the same. However, because of our strong faith, we were comforted by the fact that we were still alive and unharmed. But now with this horrible news, that hope has been extinguished and it’s clear that our God is a vengeful one.”
Public Relations expert Dorothy Milic explained how celebrities often keep a close eye on disasters in order to make it about themselves.
“Happens all the time,” said Milic. “Famous people are constantly looking out for anything shitty to happen in order to insert themselves into the conversation. From Gwenyth Paltrow to Harry and Meghan, celebs are always seeking out the next big tragedy so they can send out a timely tweet, issue a public statement, or write a ballad. Residents who live through disasters like this normally have two pressing concerns: What will happen to their homes, and will Gal Gadot release another rendition of ‘Imagine.’ Either way, it’s very troubling.
At press time, Bono was overheard trying to find something that rhymes with “empty reservoir.”