MINNEAPOLIS — Local Hüsker Dü fan Paul Mallard quietly celebrated the 10-year anniversary of never saying their band name aloud to avoid potential ridicule, confirmed sources who didn’t even know he listened to them.
“In high school, they were one of those bands I’d shy away from. I knew I wasn’t ready to answer the really tough questions. Like, who are you listening to?” recalled Mallard. “In my early 20s I remember going to parties seeing people being mocked for saying ‘Hoo-ska Do.’ Before long I caught myself fully projecting this insecurity and completely humiliating people for saying it like ‘Hesker Due,’ or something close. I didn’t want to be that guy anymore. I decided it was time to grow up and never utter the name of my favorite band of all time. If all goes well I will be taking my fandom to the grave.”
Mallard’s girlfriend Ashley Drake claims secrecy over the band’s name causes strange tension in their relationship.
“I only ever attempted to read the name out loud once myself before he completely shut me down,” said Drake. “I also suggested we just call them ‘The Du’ or ‘that one band’ so we can get past this weird silent treatment. But that idea just upset him. He keeps insisting that I’m not gonna get it, because he doesn’t even get it. I guess I kind of understand. After all, what do those little dots above the letter ‘u’ even mean? No way I’m taking the time to look that up.”
Music critic Tony Pittman believes fans of hard to pronounce band names tend to hide their interest in them.
“In my business, it doesn’t take much for a fan to hide their deepest adoration for a band’s music because of their name,” recalled Pittman. “Sanguisugabogg, Sunn O))), Samhain. Some bands you should never speak of in a social setting. If someone asks you who you listen to, you must hide your voice as much as humanly possible. For instance, while pronouncing Dimmu Borgir, go ahead and fire up a nearby saw or smack a board with a hammer while some sort of noise comes out of his mouth. If that doesn’t work, you can simply show the other person what is playing on your phone screen and make them pronounce it. Just whatever you do, do not say Yngwie Malmsteen out loud.”
At press time, Mallard also quietly celebrated the 15-year anniversary of never saying the name Hoobastank out loud, mainly to avoid having to admit he listens to them.