RIVERSIDE, Calif. — Just days away from completing his dry January goal, local abstainer Adam Cowell gave in to mounting temptation and crushed a 30-rack this weekend, according to his dismayed sober app, who wasn’t angry, but very disappointed by the incident.
“It’s my fault for getting my hopes up,” said Refocus, a sobriety-tracking and support app for people who want to build healthier drinking habits by quitting completely or cutting back on consumption. “He’s done this to me before, but I thought this time might be different. He even posted on the community messageboard saying he couldn’t wait to enjoy a crisp N/A lager at his upcoming work party. I guess the latest daily quote I showed him from Nelson Mandela wasn’t enough to deter him.”
Cowell downloaded the app years ago after a particularly regrettable bender that resulted in six public urination tickets and mandatory court appearances spanning multiple state lines. Since then, Cowell redownloads the app sporadically when he feels the need to reexamine his drinking habits.
“I would rather have Refocus be mad at me than disappointed any day,” said Cowell. “I woke up completely obliterated in bed still wearing my winter coat and clutching a half-eaten breakfast burrito to a notification from the app congratulating me on making it to my 25-day sober milestone. To think that I used the app’s daily quote from Nelson Mandela ‘It always seems impossible until it’s done,’ as motivation to finish shotgunning a tall can at the end of the night is unconscionable.”
The Reframe app is a self-help app, which at its core is designed to help you achieve a goal, whether that be sobriety, sleep, anxiety, or just seeing what you would look like with bangs.
“This is going to sound crazy,” said Karren Schultz, head of an app development team, “But some apps seem to be gaining sentience. As technology advances, so does people’s reliance on it, which has led some apps to shortcircuit in ways we didn’t believe they were programmed to do so. For example, one app user complained to our company that after her sixth relapse on alcohol, her daily motivational quote just changed to an emoji holding up an ‘L’ to its forehead and making farting noises. It seems some apps can only handle so much letdown.”
During press time, Cowell was seen resetting the app back to day zero and begging Reframe for another chance before his free trial ran out.