WILMINGTON, Del. — Former President Joe Biden announced he is embarking on a new project designed to destroy the homes of innocent people living in Palestine, then illegally rebuilding structures for Israeli settlers, sources confirmed.
“Listen Jack, I wasn’t able to finish the job in Palestine, and that knowledge would haunt me until my dying days. I know I have more in the tank,” said Biden while pretending to shadow box and getting extremely winded. “That’s why today I’m starting Habitat for Israeli Settlers which will focus on seizing land in the West Bank, destroying the homes that are already standing, and rebuilding beautiful structures for Zionists. I’m inspired by my predecessor Jimmy Carter, he did so much for the American people, and now it’s my turn to give back to the people of Israel. They are sort of like Americans, they sure do get a lot of our tax money.”
Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu was excited about Biden’s new endeavor.
“Joe has always been a great friend to Israel. He has already promised he will bring as many privately owned bombs as he can. We are trying our best to find workarounds for this unfortunate ceasefire and if we have a former American President here then we can bomb anyone we want and say it’s for security purposes,” said Netanyahu. “It will be a great success for Biden and Israel if he is able to deliver on this beachfront property. I hope to have a home there myself someday.”
Palestinian activists immediately criticized the former president.
“We thought we were a bit safe if a Democrat was in power, but it turns out Democrats and Republicans have the same blood lust,” said Ilham Mathhar while picking through the rubble of a school she once taught at. “The only solace I take is that Mr. Biden is so old and weak I’m not sure he could swing a hammer. I’m also not sure he could hold a hammer with all the blood he has on his hands.”
At press time, Biden was seen posing with a variety of bulldozers his new organization plans to donate to Israel.