I don’t know why everyone always complains about how hard it is to quit smoking, I did it the first time no problem. All I had to do was spend every waking hour, minute, and second, staring at Instagram. Look at me now, I’m no longer bound by the chains of smoking, and am free to scroll until the end of time. Like a cigarette that doesn’t go out.
My lungs have never felt so strong, and my sense of taste and smell hasn’t been this good since I was a kid. Sure my neck always hurts from looking down, and my entire hand is one giant cramp, also my back always hurts because I don’t stand up anymore, but at least I don’t stink like cigarettes.
I’ve gained a few pounds since I stopped smoking, which is understandable. Cigarettes are an appetite suppressant, and plus I have to constantly eat junk food to fill the void in my oral fixation caused by stopping smoking. But hey: three bags of Doritos, six packs of Kit Kats, and gallons of Dr. Pepper a day is a lot better than smoking a few cigarettes.
My friends complain that they never see me anymore since I quit, but I send them dozens of memes on Instagram every hour so they should shut up. Besides, I’m too tired to go see them since I’ve replaced sleep with an endless supply of Reels tailored to my exact tastes. When you spend as much time on Instagram as I do, the algorithm really dials it and satisfies me much more than smoking does. Or my friends, for that matter.
Speaking of satisfying needs, ever scroll for an hour after sex? Not only can you stay in bed, but you don’t have to talk to the other person either. A lot of times they’re gone before you know it, which leaves me more time to feed the algorithm.
Rather than smoking while I drive like I used to, I simply crack the window and pull up Instagram while driving to and from work. It barely distracts me, and I’ve only gotten in three or four accidents since I quit last month.
So if you want to quit smoking but haven’t had success with replacements like gum, vaping, or the patch (if it even still exists), just do what I did: dedicate your life to the infinite dopamine loop known as Instagram.