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Adorable Biker Gang Wearing Matching Outfits

DENVER — Local biker gang The Chaos Crusaders was reportedly riding around town in matching outfits, captivated and deafened sources confirmed.

“They’re a noisy group of boys but those charming vests with the matching patches are so sweet, I wonder what good deeds they did to earn them. It warms my heart to see men who aren’t ashamed to embrace their friendships and coordinate outerwear,” said local grandmother Emila Malia. “My granddaughter and her friends have similar vests. Her troop is selling cookies right now. They must be in some sort of adult girl scouts troop. Put me down for three boxes of Thin Mints, if they come to my door.”

The gang is working continuously to shake their reputation as a delightful sight on the streets.

“Look, man, these patches mean something, we’ve earned them by being peer pressured into doing outlaw shit. These jackets mean something. It’s about a life you can’t even begin to understand. And we’re tired of people yelling ‘twinsies!’ when we’re at the fucking grocery store,” said local motorcycle enthusiast Bobby Vidal. “The Chaos Crusaders are not some marching band with harmonized color schemes and matching hats. You see this 1% patch? That means I don’t give a fuck, unless you laugh at me for my jacket. That hurts.”

Therapist Ruby Shauna cautions that, while men in matching uniforms do have a visually pleasing aesthetic, they do spook easily and should be approached with caution.

“Fear is usually a motivator for animals to travel in packs and differentiate themselves from the masses. The Chaos Crusaders, while whimsical in their matching get-ups, are no exception,” said Shauna. “But fear does not equal aggression, for The Chaos Crusaders, they just may be searching for safety in numbers. They’re no different than penguins or llamas or any other adorable pack animal. The jackets also serve another purpose. Similar to a large family visiting Disneyland who all wear matching Goofy shirts and Mickey Mouse ears, these bikers are anxious about getting lost in a crowd. And a stranded biker can become frightened and lash out. In the industry we like to think of these jackets as their security blanket, and their bikes as a very loud pacifier.

At press time, The Chaos Crusades implemented a casual Friday policy in hopes to relax their otherwise strict outfit rules.