TAMPA, Fla. — Local 19-year-old Cody Carson reportedly declared his advanced vape expertise by writing “mechanic” on his otherwise quite short resume, confirmed sources.
“Yeah, I can fix pretty much anything you put in front of me, more often than not it’s an issue with the coil, but you really want a professional like me to take a look, otherwise you risk drawing an unsafe current,” said Carson before also updating his LinkedIn profile. “Last week, I managed to fix my buddy’s broken vape by working the shaft to successfully vaporize his e-liquid. I feel I’ve truly learned everything I need to learn. I wouldn’t have put ‘mechanic’ on my resume if I didn’t think I had earned it, and that’s why I feel so proud to see it at the top of my humble Google Doc. I’m also considering adding culinary chef to my resume because I’ve been successfully reheating takeout leftovers for years now.”
Caron’s best friend Logan Brandins sang his praises between hits of his dab pen.
“Cody is honestly the smartest guy I’ve ever met, he’s like a wizard,” said Brandins through a shockingly wet cough. “This guy could tell you which piece of your vape is broken just by listening to one puff. The vape speaks to him, and it tells him exactly what’s wrong through the crackling sounds in a long drag. It’s like their own special language, man, it’s like magic. But be careful, sometimes I think maybe they’re talking about me, like they’re planning something.”
One potential employer gave her opinion on the whole situation.
“I’m so fucking tired of this shit,” said hiring manager Linda Sterling. “Every goddamn teenager thinks they can get a job anywhere because they read the Wikipedia entry for the atomizer part of a vape or whatever the fuck. Cody applied to be a mechanical engineer, so I asked him what kind of experience he has and he just kept spewing nonsense about glass pods and fill ports. Where do these idiots get all this confidence?”
At press time, Sterling agreed to give Carson a second interview after he fixed her vape pen, so long as he never uses the word “yoink” ever again.