PHILADELPHIA — Local punk scene veteran Chuck Rubenfeld, known for spending the better part of the ’90s passing out on floors across the tri-state area, reportedly become consumed by online memory foam mattress reviews, concerned sources confirmed.
“Look, back in ’96, I slept in a bathtub at a house show in Philly with three other guys after someone put a brick through the van window. But I’ve turned over a new leaf and prefer to watch Purple mattress commercials at 3:00 a.m. the way I used to watch punk documentaries,” said Rubenfeld, wincing from another sciatica flare-up. “But you know what? That cooling gel technology is way more revolutionary than anything Fugazi ever did. And don’t even get me started on reinforced edge support — it’s a game changer for getting in and out of bed with my bad knee.”
Cathy Rubenfeld, the scene veteran’s wife, felt nostalgic for her husband’s early days.
“He used to fuck me on the carpet floor of his apartment after Infest shows, and now I have to compete with Good Housekeeping articles for his attention,” said the wife of 12 years, as she watched her husband scroll through Serta reviews on his phone. “Last week I caught him making a spreadsheet comparing the tensile strength of different memory foam densities. Yesterday he called in sick to work because a Tempur-Pedic rep was doing a livestream about their new pressure-mapping technology. I miss when he was just obsessed with finding rare Gorilla Biscuits pressings on Discogs. At least then he’d leave the house to go to record stores.”
Dr. Elena Rodriguez, a cultural anthropologist specializing in aging subcultural demographics, says Rubenfeld’s case is far from unique.
“It starts innocently — maybe you bring a camping chair to an outdoor show,” explained Rodriguez. “Next thing you know, you’re comparing interest rates on zero-turn lawnmowers while wearing a zip-up hoodie from Costco. The transition from genuine punk to suburban dad who writes three-page reviews about mattress firmness is more common than you’d think. We call it ‘Domesticated Punk Disorder,’ or DPD.”
At press time, Rubenfeld was overheard berating a mattress store employee for suggesting memory foam and latex foam were “basically the same thing,” calling them a “fucking poser who probably sleeps on a futon.”