TALLAHASSEE, Tenn. — The Tallahassee Police Department is in chaos due to nearly every officer requesting time off to attend an upcoming Five Finger Death Punch concert, leaving leadership scrambling to cover shifts.
“Look, I don’t just want the night off–I deserve it. I’m a Death Punch Super Fan! If I’m not able to unleash on random people in the pit then I can’t be held responsible if I get a little rough with a shoplifter. That’s the trade-off,” said Officer Chad Rollins who says he’s been faithfully following the band since 2007. “Plus, I’ve got the most time in the field, and it’s not like I’ve ever abused my paid leave. I mean, I’ve only had six officer-involved shootings. Some guys hit double digits and don’t even blink. But me? Just six. I think I’ve been very professional.”
The wave of time-off requests has left Staff Sergeant Michelle Carter in a tight spot, who says coordinating the schedule this week has been the hardest logistical nightmare of her career.
“The last time it was this bad, I had to pull strings to get everyone into anger management the same day. And let’s just say that didn’t go smoothly,” Sergeant Carter sighed. “If I granted the night off to everyone who requested it then this entire city would be operating with less than six police officers for the entire night. I have no idea how we’re supposed to manage any real public safety concerns. Except for, you know, a great many of the public feeling safer without the cops around. We try not to talk much about that.”
To complicate matters further, Five Finger Death Punch’s own stage manager weighed in on the situation when he heard about the dilemma.
“Honestly, I’m not surprised cops want in on the action, this is basically pig heaven,” said Frank “Hammer” Dawson, who’s been on the road with the band for over a decade. “We see so much brawling at these shows, it’s practically a contact sport. Fights, pits, the occasional thrown chair—it’s just a typical Friday night at a cop’s house. Hell, sometimes it’s so intense that local cops come in for crowd control and wind up sticking around as fans. Florida seems to really be into that kinda shit.”
As of press time, Officer Rollins was too busy singing Kid Rock at the top of his lungs to hear a follow-up question.