MINNEAPOLIS — Registered sex offender Tim Finhook was court-mandated to go door to door in an effort to inform neighbors that he’s a part of newly reelected Donald Trump’s cabinet, confirmed sources who turned off their lights to make it look like no one was home as the doorbell rang.
“I cannot believe I am judicially obligated to tell Jerry next door that I’ve been appointed to the Department of Veterans Affairs in Trump’s revamped government. How embarrassing,” said Finhook. “I even had to register my conviction on one of those weird websites with a .gov domain extension. Unfortunately, when you are a registered sex offender you are disqualified from about 80% of jobs out there, so I’m relegated to Nickelodeon television producer, Catholic priest, or principal advisory body member in Donald Trump’s administration. I don’t think my reputation will ever recover from this.”
Trump supporters didn’t quite see what the big deal was with the controversial cabinet pick.
“Sexual predators are people who need to oversee government agencies just like everyone else,” said Terry Vanguard while draped in nothing but a 20-foot MAGA flag he uses as pajamas. “Convicted felons who break the law are far more qualified for governmental positions since they already know how the judicial system works firsthand. That’s why Trump and Epstein were such close friends. Trump was just trying to be supportive of his sex offender pal. He treats sexual predators with the respect that they deserve.”
Experts believed the President-Elect was selecting questionable cabinet candidates intentionally.
“Trump has been scouring sex offender registries like they’re LinkedIn profiles,” said Republican strategist Lou Foglorn. “Rape, child porn, couch kinks. These are the qualities Donald is looking for in potential candidates to fill his staff. It appears that he wants loyalists, and nothing makes you more faithful than getting pardoned for your illicitly inappropriate behavior. Trump would add a few tax evaders into the cabinet mix, but for some reason this country can get behind sexual predators like it’s nothing, but not cold-blooded IRS fraudsters.”
At press time, Trump was seen asking correctional officers if they’d let Jerry Sandusky out of prison in order to serve in the Department of Housing and Urban Development.