MONTGOMERY, Ala. — Legal advocacy organization Southern Poverty Law Center recently updated its Hate Map, an interactive tool to track hate groups, to coincide with dates from an upcoming Pantera tour, sources report.
“Honestly, this is just a huge timesaver and allows us to better focus our energy on offering our legal expertise against white supremacist groups and promoting tolerance education opportunities,” SPLC rep Jonathan Horvat said. “Given Pantera’s long and sketchy history, and the even sketchier appearance of their fans, it was a no-brainer for us to just take a map of their upcoming tour dates and superimpose it onto our existing one. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a lot of work to do. The current state of our country doesn’t really leave an organization like ours with a lot of downtime.”
Phil Anselmo, lead singer of Pantera, reacted to the news with confusion.
“I don’t get it, man,” the prolific frontman slurred as he finished a bottle of Wild Turkey bourbon. “Just because I’ve slipped up a couple times in the past by going on between-song rants about how it’s OK to be proud to be white, failing to openly disavow open racism displayed by my fans, and even performing Nazi salutes on stage, people think a band that I’m in might have some problematic followers. Well, our semi-reunited lineup is open to anybody willing to shell out $80 for a ticket. How’s that for racist?”
Fan Chuck Stottle scoffed when he heard of the recent development.
“Yeah, I’m not surprised that some group of liberal idiots thinks Pantera fans are suspect. Next they’re going to tell me that Skrewdriver was just a bunch of skinheads hellbent on promoting white power,” Stottle remarked as he sat back in the bed of his Ford F-150 against the back window, which was adorned with a gigantic Confederate flag decal. “These days, you can’t say anything without the woke mob coming for you. Just yesterday my buddy lost his job just because a video surfaced of him hurling racial slurs at some lady in a Target parking lot. How’s that for freedom? I don’t care what some bullshit Democrat organization thinks; nothing is going to stop me from getting blacked out on Busch Light and singing along to ‘Walk,’ which just so happens to be the only Pantera song I know.”
At press time, the software running the Hate Map became overloaded and crashed when its operators tried to add upcoming Jason Aldean tour dates.