WEST PALM BEACH, Fla. — Former President Trump made a last-minute appeal to all potential voters with a simple message: “If you don’t vote for me I’ll fucking kill you,” confirmed multiple witnesses thirsty for blood.
“Today is the big day, people. What a day it is, time to go out there and vote for the future of our great country. I want everyone out there to know, and I’m dead serious when I say this, some people think I’m joking around, but I’m not. If you do not vote for Donald. J. Trump then I personally murder you with my bare hands,” said Trump. “If that communist, low IQ, son of a bitch Santa Claus can deliver gifts to millions of children in one night, then surely I am capable of killing just as many people in cold blood all because they voted against me. I might beat some people with a club, I might strangle others while watching the light drain from their eyes, all I know is the only way to be safe is to make sure I have your vote.”
Die-hard Trump supporters offered their help to the former president.
“This is a big job and President Trump should not have to do this alone. The pigs in my town confiscated three of my guns, but they don’t know I still have at least 15 more and enough ammo to last me until the Rapture,” said Georgia resident Clive Thelen. “If my president needs help killing radical liberals then it is my duty to serve by his side and exact justice on anyone that participated in this rigged democratic system. All he needs to do is tell me which way to aim and I’ll take care of the rest. God is on our side.”
Members of the media were quick to downplay Trump’s threats.
“This is just Trump being Trump. Despite his repeated assurances that he isn’t joking, and a 20-minute demonstration of different ways he intends on killing people, it’s pretty clear this is all just hyperbole,” said CNN anchor Jim Acosta. “What we need right now is to hear from the Harris campaign. We need her to stand up as a leader and tell the people how she will prevent voters from being murdered at the hands of President Trump, if she can’t do that then it will be tough for her to get to 270 Electoral College votes.”
At press time, Trump was being shown on a live feed repeatedly pointing at the camera and making the throat slash hand gesture.