This is the most important election in our lifetime and I’ll be damned if every vote isn’t counted fair and square and for the side that I want to win.
According to my independent research my family just keeps referring to as “confirmation bias,” voter fraud is rampant in this country. That’s why we need heroes like me who can push over a ballot drop box, rough it up with a baseball bat, and then light the contents of it on fire. All for the sake of democracy.
Last election, we saw a record turnout of fake voters. I heard there could have been as many as 14 incidents of fraud throughout the entire nation. That doesn’t sound like a lot on the surface, but I’m sure it’s enough to sway the Electoral College and plunge our country into abject tyranny of which the world has never seen before.
Sure, is voter fraud extremely rare according to so-called reputable news sources and probably not worth the five-year prison sentence you get if you’re caught? No one knows for sure. But is it a problem for which everyday civilians should take matters into their own hands and stop anyone who tries to vote through a technically legal method? Hell yes.
And it’s surprisingly easy to take down a ballot drop box. I eliminated a good six before lunch while eight beers deep. At this rate, I can single-handedly put an end to voter fraud and even voter suppression. No one should be allowed to vote unless it is through a means that I personally approve of.
Besides, voting was a whole lot simpler when we had to go to an elementary school and stand in line for five hours to cast our ballot on a machine that was invented in like 1920 and hasn’t been enhanced in any capacity whatsoever since. Even the little lever and curtain mechanism makes the patriotism feel more real.
After all, destroying ballot drop boxes is what the Founding Fathers would’ve wanted. I would know as someone who once skimmed the first few paragraphs of the Constitution.