ANN ARBOR, Mich. — The group of gutter punks that loiters near 5th and Huron employs many invented terms for states of impoverishment, sources hurrying past the corner confirm.
“We have a lot of words that refer to different kinds of being penniless,” said Skidder Blaine while he lettered a cardboard sign. “There’s ‘crumbed,’ which means you’ve got a few bucks but not enough for a pint of vodka or 40 ounce. ‘Slizzed’ means you’re broke until someone who owes you money pays you back. ‘Povvo’ means flat broke, like nothing at all to your name, not even butts. If you’re broke but you’ve got butts, you’re ‘squoze.’ Right now, I’m ‘quimmed,’ which means I’m poor and my life’s in danger because I owe a bunch of people money.”
Neighborhood residents confess to being bewildered by the punk clan’s strange vocabulary.
“I have to walk past that corner on my way to work every day,” said Cassie Seder. “I usually pretend to be talking on the phone so I don’t have to engage. I honestly have no idea what they’re even referring to half the time. The other day one of them asked for help because they were ‘triple-skint.’ Why can’t they just ask for spare change like normal people? Instead I hear them complaining about being ‘jobbered,’ whatever that is. They also ask me for ‘coffos’ frequently, which I assume are cigarettes. You’d think they’d get it after two years of telling them every day that I don’t smoke.”
Cultural anthropologist Dr. Elmer Swanson says that isolated subcultures tend to develop unique lexicons.
“The dialects of these sorts of groups often relate to subjects concerning areas they’re most familiar with. For instance, consider the Inuit people’s many words for types of snow,” explained Dr. Swanson. “In the case of the Ann Arbor punk collective, we see a group that has developed colloquialisms related to subjects of specific importance to them including alcohol, drug abuse and of course, being destitute. I’m currently preparing to embed myself with the clan for several weeks to learn more about their culture and language. I’ll be ready to go as soon as I finish getting the necessary inoculations.”
At press time, the tribe had reportedly splintered after a brawl erupted over how to split $19 in change seven ways evenly.