On the surface, it seems like Radiohead and Kidz Bop are a match made in musical hell. But if you dig a little deeper, you realize it could actually be worse than that. The crossover could open a portal to a world where both entities are forced to shut down their operations indefinitely. To avoid these realities colliding and causing a cultural embolism, we’ve compiled the 30 Radiohead songs that would economically devastate the Kidz Bop franchise. (Listen to the playlist, click here)
30. (Nice Dream) (1995)
If Kidz Bop can make any Radiohead track work, it’d be an older song before the band discovered the beautifully rhythmic and harmonious sounds of laptops. However, Thom’s mumbling vocals don’t quite fit the Kidz Bop format. If we know anything about kids, it’s that they’re always screaming in public.
29. Codex (2011)
Perhaps the most depressing song on the list, “Codex” will just make kids worried about the mental state of the band. We need to let children be children and wait as long as possible to tell them about the existence of Thom Yorke.
28.Kid A (2000)
Radiohead did not release any singles for the “Kid A” album. If they didn’t have any confidence in their breakthrough record that changed the game for musicians who want to be weird around the world, surely Kidz Bop fans won’t.
27. All I Need (2007)
The main problem with Radiohead is that they never consider how their songs would come across when sung by a bunch of fourth graders. Perhaps Thom isn’t the musical genius we thought he was.
26. There, There (2003)
There’s just something so eerily soothing to the music in this one. But don’t let that fool you. It’s still capable of monetarily ruining your successful compilation franchise. This is probably why Punk-O-Rama stayed away from Radiohead too.
25. True Love Waits (2016)
Judging by the lyrics, this track is either a love song or not a love song. Hard to tell. Either way, only Radiohead can write a tender ballad that makes you want to curl up in a ball underneath your weighted blanket. Eight-year-olds are just not ready for Radiohead’s interpretation of love that induces eternal pain.
24. Packt Like Sardines In a Crushed Tin Box (2001)
For this album, Thom “wrote impersonal and abstract lyrics, cutting up phrases and assembling them at random.” This sort of lyrical irresponsibility is just not what the Kidz Bop franchise is all about and will only alienate the prepubescent fanbase.
23. The Gloaming (2003)
Only Radiohead can add an electronic beat over the sound of a busted vacuum cleaner with lyrics that don’t seem to relate from one line to the next. We need to know if the band is taking this seriously or just messing with us.
22. Reckoner (2007)
The main goal of the Kidz Bop franchise is to cover music that could be played at a six-year-old’s birthday party in a Chuck E. Cheese. Unfortunately, Radiohead is more suited to pump up a 38-year-old before their divorce proceedings.
21. Street Spirit (Fade Out) (1995)
There’s a reason Radiohead has never appeared on Kidz Bop to this point. It’s mainly because the mannequin guy on “The Bends” album cover is still giving everyone the creeps. Leave the PG-13 album covers to the despondent adults.
20. Karma Police (1997)
The video in this one features Thom in the backseat of a 1976 Chrysler that’s chasing down a middle-aged man on the run before the guy sets the car on fire. It begs the question, is Thom Yorke the karma police? Is the man? What is karma? These are things an eight-year-old simply cannot answer.
19. House of Cards (2007)
Radiohead released “In Rainbows” and said fans could pay what they wanted for it. Which means it was free. Kidz Bop is too capitalistically savvy for this gimmick, which is why they make children pay full price for their audio entertainment.
18. Idioteque (2000)
Good luck trying to get a group of eight-year-olds to sing along to music that sounds like what an ear infection feels like. This one is more on them than Radiohead.
17. Paranoid Android (1997)
“Ok Computer” altered the trajectory of the band and they never looked back. Much of the lyrics on this album portray a dystopian civilization hampered by capitalism, consumerism, and a random robot doing background vocals. This will go over the heads of children, not to mention their parents and grandparents. Defer this to the art history students.
16. Burn the Witch (2016)
To make this one work for Kidz Bop, you’d have to change the song title to something more positive, like “Embrace the Witch” or “Burn the Evil Within,” before it can be suitable for kids. Or you can choose a different band entirely, which is the recipe that the Kidz Bop franchise has been implementing for decades.
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