After years of denial, we at The Hard Times finally opened up and were honest with ourselves about our proclivity for nu-metal. As such, we could unashamedly don the Tripp pants, XXL Coal Chamber shirts, and wallet chains we’d kept in our closets for the past two decades. Words cannot express how liberating this felt, so we decided to let it ride and learn how to sing like some of our favorite musicians, and who better to start with than Jonathan Davis, the lead singer of nu-metal stalwarts Korn? Unfortunately, our first practice session did not go quite as we had planned, and, while learning the scat-singing part of “Freak on a Leash,” we ended up uttering several ancient incantations by mistake that welcomed some pretty horrific beings from other realms onto our planet. We’re ready to own this and intend this article as a warning to humankind, or as a last vestige for future societies to discover amidst the ruins for which we’ll have been entirely responsible. Truly, our bad. Here are five of the otherworldly entities we accidentally summoned:
Yon-Vabbureth
An unfathomably wretched and loathsome sight to behold, Yon-Vabbureth was awakened from eons of slumber by our singing. It stood roughly the size of an oak barrel and was largely protoplasmic in nature. Covered in jelly-like orbs that were either eyes or pustules (we had no intention of getting close enough to find out which,) it moved about in a viscous manner that was awful and unsettling to watch. We found ourselves frozen and nauseated each time one of the eyes/pustules was pointed in our direction, but luckily Yon-Vabbureth seemed bored with us and slid out of our offices not long after being summoned. We have no idea where it went or what kind of damage it has since caused, so if you hear something you’ll know where to point the finger.
Sanctum Fiend
Of all the entities we accidentally summoned, Sanctum Fiend definitely seemed the most pissed off about being taken from whatever horrid realm it had been inhabiting. It was a many-tentacled being about waist-high, and it scurried around in a frantic and agitated manner. We managed to lock it in the bathroom and told our intern Brandon to go in and check on it. He put up a fight, but ultimately agreed after we threatened to fire him. Apparently, Sanctum Fiend had calmed down and used one of its tentacles to summon Brandon to its location on the wall by the hand dryer. Brandon was transfixed by the motion and couldn’t resist, and the foul thing ended up striking him blind with a single touch from the tentacle. Better Brandon than us, we guess.
Oq the Colossal
Contrary to what you might think after reading its name, Oq is normally sized, bipedal in motion, and fairly nondescript in overall physical appearance. However, one look upon its flesh sent us on a wretched journey into the infinity of our own thoughts, which conjured a terror so immense that we’re fairly certain we will never recover. It just stood there and looked at us as we clasped our heads in our hands and uttered bloodcurdling shrieks that did nothing to express the eldritch horror we were experiencing within what remained of our own minds. It may be too late to warn you, but if you come across Oq we wholly recommend running as fast as you can in the opposite direction, lest the exposure to the Stygian depths of your own consciousness reduce you to the same piteous wretch he made of us.
Hi’xivof of the Ild
Now, Hi’xivof of the Ild really was immense in size; a being so titanic that one’s own grip on reality is completely staggered by a simple glance in its direction. We just didn’t have a frame of reference for a being of this magnitude, and again our minds were transformed into soup when we accidentally summoned it. Luckily, it’s so unbelievably gargantuan that it actually seems functionally useless, and aside from completely destroying the building that houses our offices through the sheer act of being conjured into existence, it doesn’t appear capable of doing much damage. While our landlord is definitely pissed, that seems like small potatoes compared to what the fifth entity may subject us to.
NONBEING
Ok, this one seems like it’s going to create the most problems. We don’t think there exists words in the English language, or even concepts in the human mind, that can describe what NONBEING is (or, uh, isn’t.) It’s definitely not good, or is it good? Or is it both at the same time? Or neither at the same time? Fuck, we don’t know. Or do we? Jesus Christ, this is a fucking catastrophe (or is it a miracle?) We’d better call it quits on this article and run to/from the nearest/farthest safe/dangerous zone. Come to think of it, have we already done or not done that? Or did we do nothing, which is actually everything? FUCK.
We’re going to take these as indications that nu-metal vocals just aren’t for us, and maybe try our hands at death metal vocals. Hopefully these Morbid Angel lyrics are less likely to summon some cross-dimensional nightmare creatures.