RICHMOND, Va. — Trey Bollinger, proud owner of a $91,273 Chevy Silverado 3500 HD, accused Tesla Cybertruck owners of being “totally fucking ridiculous,” confirmed sources wearing wrap-around sunglasses.
“I can’t imagine how big of an asshole you have to be just to walk into a Tesla dealership and agree to give half of your paycheck a month for a vehicle that looks like it’s made of aluminum foil,” said Bollinger while filming the latest in a series of videos for his eight followers online. “Sure, I pay three-quarters of my paycheck a month for my pickup, but not one of these battery-powered ‘trucks’ will ever be taken off-road like I did that one time four years ago. They’re just junk, probably break down the second you get them near a gravel road. My friend Donnie said they’re pretty fast off the line, but we’ll see how fast they are after I get $5,000 together for a new turbocharger.”
Cybertruck owner Chad Westerlund is puzzled by the hate he receives on a near daily basis while driving his new vehicle around town.
“Man, people really fucking hate this thing. I’m not talking Ford vs Chevy, I’m talking real visceral hate,” said Westerlund while plugging his truck into a free public charging station. “A guy in a pickup yesterday told me to ‘go back to Russia.’ I quickly reminded him that Tesla Cybertrucks are made in Texas by a company owned by Donald Trump’s biggest cheerleader. We’re getting ridiculed by the pickup owners daily. I’m all for free speech, unless it’s used to attack me or Elon Musk personally.”
Salesman Martin Darling of Pitman Chevy still believes that sticking with American brands is the only way to go.
“This is not just about choosing a quality vehicle, this is about supporting your country by buying a product that is assembled of approximately 62% American-made parts,” said Darling before pausing to approve a 10-year loan for a used Chevy Traverse. “The trucks we sell have features that no Tesla vehicle could ever offer, like a 28-gallon fuel tank, custom installed MagnaFlow Exhaust, and dual DieHard Platinum series batteries for extra cranking amps. I don’t know what any of this actually means, but the pickup truck community is willing to spend top dollar the more buzzwords I use.”
At press time, pickup truck-owning sources claimed that plugging in a Cybertruck to charge it was absolutely ridiculous while forking over $150 to fill up their gas tanks.