Life is full of little embarrassments. Toilet paper on your shoe, forgetting a co-worker’s name, eating an entire bowl of fake plastic fruit in front of your girlfriend’s parents and then denying that it happened. We’ve all been there. You move on, apologize, and buy new plastic fruit if necessary. But for Todd Coulstring, life would never be the same.
It was an average Monday night. Todd and his boys – Brandon, Corey, and Justin – were on their way to a gentleman’s dinner. Todd allegedly had an in with the bartender at Buffalo Wild Wings and the vibe on the car ride over was jovial to say the least. Todd regaled his boys with familiar stories about the time he had to take a shit at a Faith No More concert and how he was one of the naked dudes at Woodstock ‘99. To those who knew him well, this was “Classic Todd.” But when “Testify” came on the radio, everything changed in an instant.
“He was all like, ‘Lights out! Guerrilla TESTIFY!’ as if everyone in the car would not realize the subterfuge at play,” Brandon recalled. “I was embarrassed to call him a friend. I deleted his number from my phone while he was still sitting next to me, and I texted my wife and told her to remove him from our Christmas card list.”
What was even more unnerving was the fact that Todd didn’t even say “my bad” or “ahh shit.” According to multiple reports he made no mention of the blunder and immediately became preoccupied by the air conditioner settings. Upon pulling into the parking lot, he dropped his boys off, stating they should get a table while he looked for a spot even though there were multiple empty spots. He has not been seen since.
After an outpouring of support on social media, Rage frontman Zack de la Rocha had this to say about the incident. “Super disrespectful. I mean ‘Testify’ was all about the Marxist Conflict Theory and American media’s blindness to global inequality and ‘Guerrilla Radio’ was about how the American media shapes our presidential elections. Not the same thing at all. Plus one is all like ‘Nur nur nurnur nur nur nur nur nurnur’ and the other’s all ‘Nur nur nur nur nur nur whoosh whoosh nur nur.”
If anyone knows of Todd’s whereabouts, please contact The Hard Times so that we can further investigate how an otherwise ordinary man could get two obviously different singles from “The Battle of Los Angeles” confused.