CHICAGO — The nation’s screen and novel horror writers resolved to continue killing every single dog that is unfortunate enough to make its way into their stories, visibly upset sources reported.
“The official plan of this country’s writers is to continue needlessly including dogs as ancillary elements in our plots solely for the purpose of being killed off in a way that alerts the main characters to the peril of their situations,” said Corbin Hartz, spokesperson for the National Alliance of Horror Writers. “Their deaths, while completely predictable, will nonetheless be traumatic experiences for the consumers of our content who can’t stomach the thought of harm befalling our canine friends. If we could’ve killed five dogs in ‘The Babadook’ instead of just the one we absolutely would have.”
Horror fan Ashley Herbert expressed dismay at the writers’ decision.
“It’s getting increasingly more difficult to reconcile my love of dogs with my love of horror,” Herbert offered as she dried the tear stains off her copy of “Cunning Folk” by Adam Nevill. “I couldn’t give less of a shit if a human is killed in a movie or book, but the second something happens to a dog I just fall apart. One of my favorite movies is ‘The Thing,’ and I’ve only seen the kennel scene once. I always fast-forward through it on my rewatches. Every time there’s a dog in something, I just have to brace myself for its imminent death.”
Writer and fictional dog-killing master Stephen King weighed in on the situation.
“I applaud the Alliance’s decision to continue the storied tradition of killing off K-9 pets in our stories for no reason,” King stated. “Ever since I included the traveling salesman kicking a dog to death in ‘The Dead Zone,’ I knew I had stumbled into my niche of torturing readers who were just looking for a good horror read. I’ve been pleased to see other writers continue in this vein, and when I see a dog in a horror movie, I know it’s just a matter of time before the poor thing runs off-screen in a heartbreaking attempt to protect its master, with its distant, echoed yelp of pain alerting the viewer to its demise. It warms my heart every time.”
At press time, the nation’s horror video game creators announced plans to continue putting the player in situations in which they must shoot dogs to progress the storyline.