When I grew up, Halloween was the most magical night of the year. You put on costumes, decorate houses in spider webs, and the best part of all, trick or treating. There’s no greater joy than collecting candy from everyone in the neighborhood and figuring out which ones have the razorblades in them. As a Halloween-loving adult and local creep I’ve taken upon myself to make sure kids have the same experience as I did. Sadly, however, every year I find it more difficult to put the razorblades in.
I don’t get it. It used to be so simple to unwrap a candy bar, empty out the nougat, insert the blade, and wrap it back up. Now things are different. You can thank shrinkflation for that.
Candy gets gradually smaller every year so you won’t notice. Razorblades meanwhile stay the same size. I tried putting one in a Snickers Bar last night and it jutted out. No way that’ll pass their parents’ inspections. As a member of the Dollar Shave Club, I asked them for tinier “fun-sized” blades but they offered no help. It didn’t used to be like that. When I first started putting razors in candy a Snickers could hold two or three of them.
Of course, there is always the good idea “Why doesn’t Nestle just make candy with the razorblades already inside?” The answer is a definite NO as tampering with the candy is the majority of the fun. Would you buy eggs for Easter that are already dyed? Would you buy a Christmas tree with the ornaments already hung?
I’ll never forget my Halloween in third grade when one of my neighbors gave each kid a big box of Milk Duds. When I stuck my hand in to reach for one my fingers got snagged by a mousetrap. You can’t create memories like that anymore. If I could’ve figured out which house did that, I would track that neighbor down and shake their hand with my still scarred digits. The razors were so much fun to get as well of course. When my brother and I would spit them out like cherry pits. By November we’d start gluing them together to make Thanksgiving centerpieces.
The point is, we need to stop letting candy corporations take away our classic tradition. I speak this for the kids, the parents, and all of us weirdos out there.