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The Next Jay Gatsby? This Asshole From Long Island Keeps Drunk Dialing His Ex

Nostalgia can be as intoxicating as the most powerful liquor. In the events of the literary masterpiece “The Great Gatsby”, mixing nostalgia and actual liquor results in a bonafide shitshow. Jay Gatsby’s downfall was a direct result of his obsession with trying to win back his old love via the most extravagant means possible, and boy did it backfire.

This is also the case of Oyster Bay, Long Island’s John Amato who has been non-stop drunk dialing his ex-girlfriend all night.

The similarities are pretty eerie. Both obtained their wealth via unsavory means, with Gatsby making it rich in bootlegging and Kyle boosting copper wiring from the new Amazon warehouse under construction. And we know this because Amato walked up to us unprovoked and began regaling us with his life story after a night of pounding vermouth and champagne. Though we’re pretty sure the green light John keeps staring at across the bay is a BP gas station.

So if that makes us his own Nick Carraway by default (though we’d prefer he calls us “old sport” or “bean” instead of “fucking guy”), his Daisy is college sweetheart Rosalin. From what he’s told us though barely intelligible ramblings, he’s adamant he can repeat the past, because as he puts it “nobody he’s known since has had big naturals like hers”.

“Rosalin? HEY ROSE! Fucking voicemail again. Babe listen, things are different now. I’m totally loaded now and I know a guy who can get us a table at Coco Bongo Lounge. Please I haven’t gotten a DUI in like three weeks.” For our sake she better pick up, because something tells us if she doesn’t, Johnny boy here is going to drag us back to his place for a debaucherous rager with the locals.

Surprisingly enough, this is a weekly occurrence. Some say John spends much of his free time staring across the bay, wistfully reminiscing about the time he and Rosalin banged in the handicap stall at an Islanders game. Others say he’s reeking of Fireball and trying to look into her new boyfriend’s parents’ vacation home with a pair of binoculars, hoping to catch him cheating on her with some local floozie.

But as with Gatsby and Daisy, it’ll never be for John and Rosalin either unless he miraculously sobers up. And so he beats on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past and towards a restraining order.