“The Star Spangled Banner” is as timeless as the United States of America itself. But if it’s so revered, why does it contain exactly zero references to extraterrestrial zombies, freshly mangled spinal columns, throat-tearing werewolves, ghouls just having fun, or not being a goddamn son of a bitch? Seriously, nothing about feasting on the blood of your fellow Americans or anything. Luckily, we know one 5’3” United States citizen from New Jersey who took macabre imagery and set it to music, and his name is Glenn Danzig. The same just doesn’t ring true about poet Francis Scott Key, who wrote the lyrics to “The Star Spangled Banner.” That said, we’re here to rank every Danzig-era Misfits song by how superior they are to the world’s only National Anthem. (Listen to the playlist, click here)
55. Rat Fink
The lyrics in “Rat Fink” primarily consist of Glenn spelling the words “rat” and “fink” in between yelling the word “yeah” a whole bunch. Still somehow resonates more than “O’er the ramparts we watched.”
54. In the Doorway
At times, Danzig can be quite on the nose with his lyricism. However, “In the Doorway” could be about anything, like being a vampire asking to come in, animals fucking in the foyer, or a love letter to American-made doors. Either way, still more captivating than you know what.
53. Braineaters
America just doesn’t have enough national theme songs from the perspective of a ravenous pack of zombies who are just looking to fulfill their mouth-watering, brain-eating cravings. Also, would it have killed Francis Scott Key to add some “oi” moments in the anthem?
52. American Nightmare
If Elvis wrote a Misfits song it would hands down be this one. When you think of America, you think of apple pie, losing a few fingers from a fireworks accident, and becoming the most popular musician in the country before dying at the age of 42 on a bathroom floor, not the historical relevance of the War of 1812.
51. Spook City USA
This sinister Beach Boys track contains USA in the title. That’s really all you need to be more effective than the National Anthem. “The Star Spangled Banner” doesn’t even make any reference to the United States. If anything, Francis Scott Key could’ve been shopping it around to the likes of Denmark and Germany before we picked it up.
50. Come Back
Quite possibly the longest Danzig-era song at five whole minutes long, this track is like a supernatural Doors song about a dead guy who’s pleading with a raven to come back to eat his face. Lyrically speaking, “Come Back” has a more clear message than whatever the hell the National Anthem is about.
49. Hellhound
One of the many things wrong with the National Anthem is a lack of verses about pets, not to mention ones that will rip your face clear off your face. Sure, Francis Scott Key could not have predicted the amount of French Bulldogs roaming the streets today, which is why we need to shut down the anthem until we can anoint a new one. “Hellhound” could be a perfect candidate for replacement.
48. Theme For a Jackal
“Theme For a Jackal” is allegedly about Ted Kennedy and the Chappaquiddick incident, where he accidentally ran his car off a bridge and passenger Mary Jo Kopechne died as a result. In a world full of songs about American exceptionalism, write one about high-profile politicians who flee the scene of a murder and only get two months behind bars. That’s patriotism.
47. Cough/Cool
“Cough/Cool” was the first single released by the band before going on to release many other ghoulish classics. Francis Scott Key on the other hand was more of a one-hit wonder, never again to write a national anthem as popular as America’s. He’s basically equivalent to the Spin Doctors, though some might argue that “Two Princes” is a more pleasant listening experience.
46. Hollywood Babylon
“Hollywood Babylon” was initially released as the B-side to 1978’s “Bullet.” None of the B-sides to “The Star Spangled Banner” even compare. Like, “My Country Tis’ of Thee” or “You’re a Grand Old Flag” are not even certifiable bangers compared to any of the Misfits’ back catalog.
45. Queen Wasp
Let’s face it, you can’t mosh to “The Star Spangled Banner.” Believe me, I once tried to before the start of a Mets game. However, you can easily slam dance to “Queen Wasp” in your studio apartment by yourself and it wouldn’t be weird whatsoever. They didn’t consider this crucial factor when composing the America song.
44. Spinal Remains
This song appears to be about having sex so hard that nothing remains except for your spinal column. Evidently, Glenn was horny as hell. The levels of horn in the National Anthem are simply non-existent.
43. All Hell Breaks Loose
When shit hits the fan, are you turning to a stirring rendition of the National Anthem sung by a classically trained singer to reflect your mood or a Misfits song that actually means something in this country?
42. Mephisto Waltz
Lyrically, a good 75% of this song is just the word “whoa.” On the other hand, “The Star Spangled Banner” doesn’t contain a single “whoa” or even a background “yeah.” Sounds like one of these songs is on the right side of history and it’s clearly not the one that was composed by a guy whose legacy includes being a “villain to the anti-slavery movement.”
41. Nike-A-Go-Go
Another track where a good 60% of the song is just the words “go” and “oh,” proving that it only takes a couple of key words and phrases to be superior to the anthem.
40. Wolfs Blood
Forget about the music, just look at a picture of a shirtless Doyle Wolfgang von Frankenstein side-by-side with an image of Francis Scott Key. Pretty clear who wins this battle.
39. Halloween II
“Halloween II” is the sequel track to the beloved “Halloween.” Let’s be real, America is all about part twos, prequels, and origin stories. The only thing close to a sequel to “The Star Spangled Banner” is the Pledge of Allegiance, which no band has ever attempted to cover.
38. Bloodfeast
Sure, lyrics like “and the rockets’ red glare” check all the national pride boxes. It just doesn’t have the same dignified grace as a song about devouring the blood and guts of your next door neighbor.
37. Return of the Fly
The Misfit’s “Return of the Fly” is about the 1959 movie of the same title, which is the sequel to the movie “The Fly.” Here we see Glenn pretty much just name characters from the film and call it a day. Sure, not the most moving lyrics in the discography. Then again, neither is “O say, can you see, by the dawn’s early light.”
36. Devil’s Whorehouse
Sure, the National Anthem could never contain the words “devil” or “whore,” but Glenn wasn’t confined by the imaginary laws of nationalism. He was mainly hampered by the bounds of the horror genre that he set himself.
35. Who Killed Marilyn?
This track is about Danzig questioning the death of Marilyn Monroe, whose last film was called “The Misfits.” In the song, Glenn heavily suggests that she was murdered and the cops framed it as a suicide. The National Anthem just never quite gets this gossipy as it probably should.
34. Hate Breeders
“The Star Spangled Banner” is essentially a poem written by a racist shithead that was set to the tune of a British song. Kind of like all Morrissey songs. There are simply no redeeming qualities about it.
33. Demonomania
This track is only 45 seconds long whereas the National Anthem feels like a good eight and half minutes. The Misfits clearly respect our time. We got things to do in America, like work three jobs to live slightly above the poverty line.
32. Ghouls Night Out
Let’s be real, even a song built on a clever pun is more enjoyable than an anthem where the rhyming schemes are chaotic and pedestrian at best.
31. Angelfuck
This track doesn’t appear to be horror-based. If anything, Glenn seems to be singing about a sex worker. Regardless, there’s nothing intercourse-related in the National Anthem. America is constantly sexually aroused and really into feet pics. Our theme song should reflect its citizens’ proclivities.
30. Violent World
You would think a country where the “right to bear arms” is listed second in its official list of priorities would have a theme song that would be more homicidal. But here we are, living in a world where people take their hats off during a live performance of it instead of beating the ever-living shit out of each other, like the Founding Fathers would have wanted.
29. Death Comes Ripping
This track has a badass title. When someone says, “I’m going to put on a song called ‘Death Comes Ripping,’” the only acceptable response is “hell yes.” Even the music upholds the title’s honor so eloquently. However, the “Star Spangled Banner” gives me no indication for what I’m about to embark on. If anything, it sounds like the name of an Independence Day sale at Mattress Firm or OfficeMax.
28. Vampira
“Vampira” appears on the cancelled album titled “12 Hits From Hell.” By “cancel” we don’t mean the imaginary thing that Republicans complain about. We mean its initial definition of Glenn Danzig ending cool endeavors that all fans would have delighted in.
27. Horror Hotel
Like many Misfits songs, “Horror Hotel” has a lot of energy and pep, unlike the National Anthem where most people haven’t gotten through a single rendition without the use of a Five-Hour Energy.
26. Some Kinda Hate
Francis Scott Key failed to include words as prolific as “the maggots in the eye of love won’t copulate” in “The Star Spangled Banner.” Yet Francis was somehow considered a poet in his day and Glenn is not.
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