It’s the Halloween season and we at The Hard Times are getting our novelty horror screamo band Suscreamia back together! Well, almost. As many of you are aware lead vocalist Trent Killtower was kicked out of the band last year for doing a bunch of male lead vocalist stuff, and has not been invited back.
In an effort to avoid hiring another singer whose girlfriend needs a fake ID to see us play, we’ve decided to go with a female vocalist! Unfortunately Trent, for all of his many, many flaws—sexual misconduct, drug addiction, and dog fighting to name a few—was incredibly good at screaming. He’s left some big shoes to fill and we can’t trust our screaming to an amateur. It has to be someone with the power, intensity, and stamina to mask the fact that we’re not terribly good musicians. That’s why we’re going back to our horror roots and recruiting a scream queen to take his place!
It’s been a long, rigorous process but we’ve narrowed it down to these 37 candidates. Only one will be invited to join the most prominent horror-themed novelty screamo band in the entire South Baltimore region, playing as many as three gigs a year and netting nearly a dozen drink tickets and maybe even a little gas money. Let’s see who makes the CUT! Get it? Cut? Cause, horror?
37. Sigourney Weaver
Probably the best actor on the list but her scream isn’t quite there. Plus she sort of seems like she could kick our asses, which was a big part of the problem with our last singer.
36. Jennifer Tilly
Not exactly known for her singing voice.
35. Lupita Nyong’o
With “Us,” “Little Monsters,” and the Quiet Place prequel under her belt, Lupita Nyong’o can officially add “scream queen” to her growing and impressive list of accolades. Unfortunately, she’s tied up with Marvel, and we highly doubt her morality clause will let her replace a singer who is facing sexual harassment charges from employees at three different Wendy’s.
34. Jennifer Love Hewitt
Just to be safe we’re going to avoid any female lead singers with “Love ” in the name.
33. Jenna Ortega
Aubrey Plaza – integrity = pass.
32. Linda Blair
They wouldn’t even give her a speaking part in the new Exorcist movie, she can’t be easy to work with.
31. Roxanne Kernohan
Who could forget her performance as White Hooker in “Angel 3?” Apparently a lot of people.
30. Anya Taylor-Joy
We would never have another productive practice again, we would just spend the whole time telling her how much we loved “The Menu.”
29. Toni Collette
She’s an amazing talent and she’s given us one of the greatest, most haunting screams we’ve ever heard, but we’re worried we would need to show her a headless child’s body before every song to get her there and that sounds like a lot of work.
28. Sheri Moon Zombie
Some of you might cry “nepotism” but there are two things to keep in mind.
1. If fucking Rob Zombie isn’t hard work, we don’t know what is.
2. Sheri is a great horror movie actress.
She’s a little more on the creepy giggly side than the screamy side, but giggle-core is sure to become a thing any day now, and as soon as it does she’s the first call we’re making.
27. Fay Wray
The star of the original “King Kong” is an OG queen of scream, and her appearances in “Son of Kong” and “Mighty Joe Young” prove she has no problem 100% committing to a schlocky bit, which goes a lot of way with our Halloween novelty band. She’s 117 years old and very much dead, but you can get around that with computers now.
26. Brinke Stevens
Another scream queen who has definitely done projects less lucrative than singing in a holiday novelty band, but that’s only because people have no taste. “Sorority Babes at the Slimeball Bowl ‘O’ Rama” is a misunderstood MASTERPIECE.
25. Marilyn Burns
Tobe Hooper got some incredible screams out of Marilyn Burns when she starred in “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.” Unfortunately upon further review, he got them the same way he got the performances from every other actor in that movie, by actually torturing the hell out of her. We don’t have the heart to lock her in a sweat lodge with a bunch of rotting meat for 16 hours just to “get her there.”
24. Kelli Maroney
Star of such films as “Chopping Mall,” “Night of the Comet,” and the criminally underrated “Scream Queen Hot Tub Party,” Kelli has the pedigree and at least one retro cheerleader costume she stole from set.
23. Sarah Michelle Gellar
Meeting the slayer has been our greatest wish since we hit puberty. Maybe filming so many scenes at The Bronze gave her a touch of the singing bug, and this will be the time she finally accepts our offer to hang out sometime!
22. Asia Argento
Honestly no idea if she can sing or not, but we think it would be pretty cool to be able to say “We’re in a band with the lady who drove Anthony Bourdain insane.”
21. Adrienne Barbeau
It doesn’t get more “scream queen” than being John Carpenter’s ex-wife, plus she’s got one of those IMDB credit pages that’s a mile long from doing voicework so the pipes are still there.
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