HARRISONBURG, Va. — City officials installed an anti-homeless bench this week that will catapult the sitter into the sky if they so much as dare to make less than $50,000 a year, confirmed sources who had to check their pay stubs.
“One second I was looking for somewhere to sleep, next thing I know I’m 30 feet in the air looking for a tree to land on,” explained unhoused individual Bradley Gray. “I hit some really tough times in life recently. Lost my job, ended up on the street. Most of the benches around here have little points on them, or inconvenient armrests that make it impossible to lie on, but this bench looked comfy as hell. I lay on it around midnight, and then I noticed it seemed to be getting closer to the ground, like it was getting ready to spring. Then a small speaker said ‘get a job, bum’ before I got trebucheted towards the courthouse. Thankfully I landed on a pile of people the bench had already launched and those bodies broke my fall.”
Although the new bench has received criticism by homeless advocate groups, it is also being hailed as an engineering marvel.
“It cost us 40-million dollars to build it, but it was all worth it,” said lead bench designer Dr. Alex Moore. “The easy part was getting a seat to hurl people through the air. That was done day one. The bench is on a very powerful spring that will then trip a switch and launch your poor ass to the heavens. Tough part was identifying the poor people. Had to put in facial recognition technology which then runs you through our national database to the IRS, which then reports back your income and yeets you appropriately, or not. If anyone has a beard the bench instantly sends them though, because no way a bearded person isn’t poor.”
The bench has received praise from city leaders.
“The goal of our city, and every other one in America, is to make life impossible for homeless people,” explained city councilman Greg Jacobsen. “If I had my way, everything the city did would be anti-homeless. Anti-homeless benches, parks, buses, police of course. I want an anti-homeless force whose only job is to find someone sleeping outside and shake them awake and spit on them. If we start treating these creatures like human beings, then they’ll believe it. You should see the splats from this new bench though, shit is Looney Tunes.”
At press time, city officials were working on a new bench design that would torture sitters Jigsaw-style if they worked three jobs and still couldn’t afford rent.