ALEXANDRIA, Va. — Experts warned that if re-elected, former President Trump’s stringent border policies could prevent thousands of Canadian girlfriends from making it to American proms this year, acne–covered sources report.
“Trump’s strict border security measures are going to ruin the prom experience for many young men,” said an anonymous immigration official. “For years, boys have relied on their Canadian girlfriends to not only validate their romantic tales but also save face during prom season. These relationships, which blossomed over one magical summer, are now in jeopardy. Imagine telling your friends that your date can’t come because she was stopped by border guards—nobody’s going to buy that!”
Many high school boys across the country are very worried about the possibility they might not be able to show off their potentially fictional girlfriend to their classmates.
“My girlfriend, Chloe, she lives in Toronto, we’ve been planning for her to come to prom for months,” said Derek Thompson, a junior at Lincoln High School in Alexandria, Virginia. “We’ve even picked out matching outfits and everything. But now I’m freaking out that she won’t be able to make it because of like fascism and stuff. I couldn’t wait to see Alex Fazio’s face when she showed up. Man, I wish I was old enough to vote!”
Trump, never one to shy away from controversy, doubled down on his stance.
“Only American girls should go to American proms, we have the best proms here. I was Prom King many times, many many times, when I graduated they still wanted me to be Prom King, this is true, I get a call each year from my high school asking, and they say this with tears in their eyes, ‘Mr. Trump, can you be our Prom King?’ And it’s tough to say now,” Trump declared at a rally in border state North Dakota. “Besides we got the best girlfriends right here in the U.S.A.—the most beautiful, the smartest, the best of the best. Why should we be letting Canadian girls come in and take away the spotlight from our incredible American girls? Like my daughter Ivanka, now that is a woman. These girls, they cross the border illegally, they want to take jobs from American teenagers, and even these Canadian aliens will eat your pets given the chance.”
As of press time, some boys are worried that even if the borders remain open, their wild Canadian girlfriends will all get grounded anyway and still can’t come.