HAGERSTOWN, Md. — Local millennial Cassie Dunbar recently reached the very last Zillow listing and immediately pivoted to scrolling through out-of-network doctors, sources desperate to feel inadequate reported.
“I was in bed admiring an incredible 6 bed, 5.5 bath A-frame overlooking the Pacific, priced beautifully at 11M, when I thought ‘ok, one more then lights out,’” Dunbar recalled with a sleepless rasp. “When I tried to find the next property for sale there was nothing; not even an empty lot or crumbling double wide. I can only fall asleep to my mind dwelling on my deficiencies, so I jumped on Zocdoc and switched from houses I can’t buy to doctors I can’t visit. From internists to cash-only perineum rejuvenation specialists, I could feel my health deteriorate as each medical professional grew further out of reach. I dozed off 99% sure I had cancer and 100% sure there was nothing I could do about it, my preferred blend of resigned despair.”
Meanwhile, Dunbar’s roommate Alex Varick was deep into an even more pointless tour of the unattainable: hobbies for the hyper-wealthy.
“There isn’t a single rezzy at French Laundry for 6 months, so I s’pose I’ll be eating post office candy for dinner again,” Varick griped while ignoring several past-due emails. “I’m currently 88,000th in the Ticketmaster queue for a T-Swift one-off show at the Sphere so that’s not happening, and worst of all they’re no longer taking new members at the Greenwich Yacht Club; sure makes all those hours spent pricing restored clipper ships feel like a waste of time. Some say I’m torturing myself, but really I’m searching for that perfect motivator to jumpstart my social ascent. In the meantime I’m gonna see what an Uber Black from Key West to Anchorage costs, just for fun.”
Economic Sociologist Dr. Fred Crooksjaw has dedicated the past 20 years to better understanding why millennials in particular are so drawn to the unachievable.
“It’s human nature to want what we can’t have, but millennials have taken this to obsessive extremes,” Dr. Crooksjaw asserted while boiling dental floss for reuse. “The behavior is classic rebellion against one’s parents. Millennials watched the boomer generation amass great wealth while remaining uninterested in spending any of it. Millennials and their more modest economic success therefore developed a nearly limitless fascination with what’s out of reach. From private islands for sale to waitlisted cosmetic surgery, the less relevant to their actual lives the more they seem interested in it.”
At press time, Dunbar was attending an open house posing as a tech billionaire until realizing the seller was her dentist that she owes money.