TACOMA, Wash. — Punk house squatter Dave Giles reportedly converted virtually every open space within his home into a junk drawer, cluttered sources confirmed.
“Dave’s letting me sleep on his couch while I kick my Funko Pop addiction. I asked him if he had some walnut crackers and rubber bands so I could craft a few DIY mousetraps, and he told me to check the junk drawer,” said friend Kara Stokes. “Suddenly I was in a labyrinthine nightmare of multiple, messy drawers with no discernible order or theme. The so-called utensil drawer contained a single Flintstone’s spoon Dave got from a Fruity Pebbles box and then just a bunch of looseleaf papers featuring his blueprints for a solar-powered sex doll. I also learned the hard way about how since the toilet is broken he’s been filling up the ice cube tray ‘junk drawer.’”
Giles defended his domicile’s alleged disorganization.
“Despite the unsavory rumors you might have heard, I’ve got way more than just junk drawers. There are also several catch-all drawers, a knick-knack drawer, a few different bins of miscellaneous items, and the subterranean junk drawer, which is what I call the basement,” said Giles. “You’ve got to understand, as a Millennial, I am simply not capable of purchasing, say, a new cell phone or guitar pedal without keeping the box just in case I ever need it for some unknown reason. For example, what if I need to return it several years from now, or need to look at the user manual and don’t feel like Googling it like a normal person?”
Organizer and aspiring social media personality Emma Aoki explained how punks like Gile can transform their homes.
“As a professional organizer that works exclusively with punk houses, I’m obviously not doing it for the money. I do it because I know they need my help. Plus, they don’t have any qualms about hiring a felon,” said Aoki. “My motto is that if it doesn’t spark joy, chuck that shit over the fence into the neighbor’s yard. Or if it’s a piece of old furniture covered in cigarette burns, just stick it on your patio or front porch.”
At press time, local psychologists have been taking compulsive hoarders on tours of Gile’s house in an effort to scare them straight.