If you want to know why there’s little to no originality in the entertainment we consume, look no further than your local movie theater and patient zero, the Dune popcorn bucket. What began as crude jokes online about it’s uncanny resemblance to an orifice (jury is still out on which one exactly) had Fox jumping on the bandwagon with suggestible Wolverine and Xenomorphs faces to eat out of and/or pleasure oneself.
Frankly, I find it unconscionable and disgusting because back in my day, we had to use our imagination when we wanted to have sex with a popcorn bucket.
I cannot believe society has reached the point where people are willing to pay $35 for a novelty container with a face on it. Must be so nice to have everything served on a silver platter and lubed up with artificial butter! These kids have it entirely too easy, with their jumbo popcorn buckets conveniently equipped with the trappings of something tangible to put their dicks inside. In my day you had to sneak in your own pair of scissors and cut it out yourself. It’s called building character.
I’ve tried the old “hole in the popcorn bucket” trick on a few dates, and I’d only give it two out of five stars if only because those dates ended right there and then. What actually got me through high school was seeing “Charlie’s Angels” in theaters 23 times and the limitless power of my brain. I almost believed I had a chance with Cameron Diaz, alas. But now you can just skull fuck the likeness of Hugh Jackman anytime, anywhere.
When I saw Tomb Raider, I had to crudely draw Angelina Jolie’s face onto it just to feel something, anything. And all I got was banned from every AMC in the country. And before you ask, yes I had to do it in the theater because our computer was in the family room.
Where’s the creativity or the wonder? It’s obvious why kids lack the ability to think critically or originally, and I blame it squarely on that dick-tickling Dune popcorn bucket. Once you don’t have to fire any synapses to imagine having sex with a 900 ton sand worm, civilization begins to crumble because people don’t even have to try anymore to be a weirdo pervert.
I guess that’s the price of progress.