JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — Protectors of the Rhino XXL Male Enhancement Pills recipe have reportedly been prohibited from traveling together in case disaster befell the two VIPs entrusted with the secret gas station boner pill formula, protected sources have confirmed.
“Across this great nation, millions of hardworking, limp-dicked Americans rely on Rhino XXL pills to overcome their whisky wiener when their missus gets a little frisky after the casino. I take that responsibility very seriously, as well as the oath I swore to protect this secret recipe of 13 exotic herbs and animal powders,” said the Rhino XXL VIP, who goes by the codename ”Rooster.” “That’s why me and ‘Cobra’ are never allowed to travel in the same vehicle, or even come within 10 square miles of each other. If both of us were to die in an accident, the Rhino XXL formula would be lost, Chevron stations would run dry, and thousands of mighty members would fall with us.”
Rhino XXL Head of Security Dale Quincy revealed a series of rigorous protocols were in place to guarantee the integrity of the male enhancement pill’s secret recipe.
“It’s my job to ensure nothing happens to our VIPs, and that’s why our rock solid security system is tighter than a gator’s ass in a hurricane,” said Quincy, scanning his retina to enter the secure command center nicknamed ”The Rhino’s Horn.” “The Horn is where we monitor our VIPs, tracking everything from their vital signs to current GPS location. If the unthinkable should ever happen and we lost the secret recipe, well, let’s just say that the American flag wouldn’t be the only thing in this country flying at half mast. I just pray that the day I have to call in ‘Code Blue Balls’ never comes.”
The secrecy around the recipe is reportedly so rigid that even CEO Bert Trowell has been left in the dark for his own safety.
“Our male enhancement pills make up the front bone of this country, and I’m far too much of a public figure to be trusted with such a vital recipe. I travel everywhere from Tijuana to Indianapolis on business, and if I was kidnapped by a Mexican cartel or a Juggalo gang I could be tortured until I gave up the secret,” said Trowell, lighting an enormous cigar. “Thankfully our company’s founder, Drew Peacock, had the foresight to install this VIP system when he pioneered the company back in the 1800s. We’ve had a few close calls over the years, but his innovative vision has helped maintain the integrity of our manhood medicine and ensure that generations of road-weary travelers can continue to get up and ‘keep on truckin’ in hourly motel rooms.”
Rival companies have reportedly spent millions in research and development to try to reverse engineer the Rhino XXL formula, with the closest attempt resulting in the original Four Loko recipe.