LOS ANGELES — A brand new Hot Topic franchise opened for business on Hollywood Boulevard mere moments after acclaimed director Tim Burton received his star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, inoffensively spooky sources confirmed.
“Tim Burton has been this company’s bread and butter ever since emo music became irrelevant around 2007,” explained Hot Topic CEO Steve Vranes. “It only makes sense that anybody willing to journey all the way out here just to see their idol’s name etched into stone is naturally going to want to pick up some Jack Skellington fishnets and a ‘Coraline’ strobe light while they’re here. Plus there’s a Sbarro right across the street so they’ll nostalgically feel like they’re right back in the malls of their youth.”
Hollywood resident Arlo Snedder believes that the addition of the Hot Topic is in contrast to the neighborhood’s obvious cultural value.
“The Walk of Fame is an institution in the recognition of artistic accomplishment! This new store is just some cheap gimmick to rob hapless tourists of their disposable income,” bemoaned Snedder while selling hand-drawn maps to Zendaya’s house for forty dollars apiece. “It figures that these greedy corporations would try to cash in on a true artist’s achievement like this. This neighborhood used to be cool, but now it’s so commercial that it’s like having your name scribbled into a piece of concrete doesn’t even have any meaning anymore.”
Filmmaker Tim Burton expressed his appreciation for the honor he recently received.
“I just want to quickly say, to everyone who made this possible, that all ‘Corpse Bride’ sleeping bags are currently 15% off for a limited time! Oh yeah, and I guess the star thing is pretty cool too,” said Burton, who has thus far won three separate ‘Best Costume’ awards simply for walking into various Horror-Cons in his street clothes. “But seriously, I just want to say that we filmmakers don’t choose to make art because of awards or honors – we do it because when we see the smiling faces of the young creatives who spent all of their birthday check on an Ed Wood ventriloquist’s dummy, well that makes it all worthwhile.”
At press time, it was reported that a Spencer’s Gifts location had also recently opened directly next to the Walk of Fame star for Bob Marley.