NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Jack White issued a strongly worded cease and desist letter on a one-of-a-kind 7” forbidding the Republican candidate from using his songs at campaign events, sources close to Trump confirmed.
“I couldn’t just stand and let these bigoted fascists use my songs to push their racist agenda,” said White while applying a thick layer of SPF 400 sunscreen. “I called up a few of my lawyer buddies and they brought their guitars to my studio so we could jam out and write a cease and desist letter that would rock Trump’s diaper right off his ass. I pressed it myself right here at the Third Man The plant, hand numbered it, and signed it. The B-side is three minutes of me talking about how Kid Rock is a fraud who isn’t even from Detroit. If Trump tries to flip this record on eBay for profit then he can expect a double LP in his mailbox outlining a litany of other lawsuits.”
Members of the Trump campaign found it difficult to extract any information from the record.
“We were setting up our latest rally in the great state of Pennsylvania when a guy who looks like he fought in the Civil War rode up on a horse and presented us with the package from Mr. White,” said Trump’s Deputy Director of Communications Margo Martin. “The cover art was a crudely drawn middle finger, but we had no way of playing it. I grabbed a couple of other staffers and we went to the public library to see if they had a record player we could use. Being surrounded by all those books made me sick, and I can’t wait for President Trump to take office again and do away with libraries once and for all.”
Music historian Liza Binder noted that White is just the latest in a litany of artists forbidding Trump from using their songs.
“You know things are bad for your campaign when even Nickelback doesn’t want you using their songs. If I were to list all the artists that have expressly forbid Trump from using their work then we would be here for hours, if not days,” said Binder. “At this point Trump is still legally allowed to use songs from Kid Rock, Ted Nugent, and the White Knights, which was a band David Duke played guitar in for a few years before he became the Grand Wizard of the Klan. Other than that I’m not sure any other music is permitted.”
At press time, former president Trump was under fire once again for using Black Flag’s “White Minority” over footage of migrants crossing the border.