BLACK ROCK CITY, Nev. — A troubling economic report revealed that 48% of this year’s projected Burning Man attendees don’t have enough of their parents’ money saved up to actually go, festival coordinators confirmed.
“After all these years of being so careful with my trust fund, ensuring my parents are replenishing it, and now I have to face the reality of not being able to afford going on a peyote bender at Burning Man. What am I supposed to tell my girlfriend, that we can’t trip balls at the best desert rave in the world because my dad’s tenants are balking at raising their rents?” said River Hanson. “I only get Uber Eats five times a week, how the hell am I almost out of money until 2025? Now I’ll have to fly coach to Electric Daisy Carnival. This economy is hellish.”
Burning Man organizers are increasingly concerned the lack of spoiled trust fund kids will impact their operating budget.
“Last year’s flooding was bad enough, now we have to contend with the possibility that we’ll be showing off art installations and DJ sets to nobody. Our bread and butter is entitled brats who exist solely on their parents’ money who come here to brag about it on TikTok. But thanks to all the recession fears, discretionary spending is down and these teenage adults are opting to just party at their family’s third beach house,” said coordinator Carol Jeffers. “We’d lower ticket prices, but inflation has really driven up the cost of hiring the spiritual gurus. At this rate we’ll be lucky if we can get the Silicon Valley tech bros to show up.”
Other festival promoters said that this will be the new normal unless extreme measures are taken.
“Earlier it was the big concerts canceling, now it’s the rich kid EDM playgrounds that are feeling the heat. It used to be that you could just throw up a tent somewhere in Death Valley and the trust fund babies would naturally show up within minutes thanks to never having worked a day in their lives, now they’re living from brunch to brunch,” said Hank LaSalle. “The only viable thing they can do before mommy and daddy cut them off is to set up a public trust fund or as most people call it, GoFundMe.”
The report also found most potential Burning Man-goers have found the best way to finance the trip was to trick friends into funding their parents’ pump and dump crypto schemes.