PHOENIX — A group of local construction workers told legendary rock star Alice Cooper that he’d look prettier with less makeup as he walked by a local condo development site, confirmed sources who weren’t sure if that’s technically catcalling.
“I just wanted him to know that long locks flowing from a top hat is gorgeous, just make sure that hair don’t hide that beautiful face! Speaking of that pretty face, why so much cakey makeup? He don’t need it, he’s a stunner!” said construction worker Ben Palubinski while pretending to hammer a nail. “Black and white striped blazer with small waisted skinny jeans? My god, he’d look like a sexy little Beetlejuice if he wore less foundation. But I will also say, he would look a little bit prettier if he learned to smile more.”
Cooper, however, was seemingly a little shaken up from the incident.
“You know, I’m sick of this shit. I remember a time when a guy in head to toe leather could comfortably cross the street, and none of these knuckleheads would whistle at you just because you were holding a whip or had a live snake wrapped around your neck,” said Cooper. “Days when I am feeling a little unsure of myself sometimes I put on a codpiece with a chrome skull on it, but that’s for me. It’s like, my eyes are up here and they’re pretty hard to miss because they are absolutely covered in eyeliner. It’s my eyes, my choice.”
The interactions between anyone and an elderly rockstar can prove to be a bit tricky, according to mediator Kendall Meledosian.
“First off, don’t approach too quickly. Their long hair and multiple scarves can obstruct certain lines of sight and you certainly do not want to startle them. And don’t mention their clothing!” said Meledosian. “They have had the responsibility of looking cool while doing drugs for decades, eventually you are gonna look like a Californian Raisin wearing snakeskin boots, so spare them the dignity. Offering them hard candy is also nice, they’ve been shouting at crowds for half of a century, their throat is probably a little scratchy. Overall, just be kind and absolutely never comment on their makeup techniques, as much as you want to.”
In a shocking twist, new reports show that Cooper has been spotted recently without his signature eye makeup, stating J.D. Vance ruined it for everyone.