Alright, I’ve been looking for jobs for way too long. I have a Bachelor’s degree in computer science, it should not be this hard. I know what I’m doing, and I’m prepared to enter this company at the absolute bottom. But I swear to god, if your entry-level job posting requires 5+ years of experience, I’m going to lose my shit.
Since when is a Bachelor’s degree not enough for an ENTRY level job? College is such a scam. Five years or more? Who the fuck do you think is gonna take this $20 an hour ass job if they’ve already been doing it for five years? This level of gatekeeping is unreal.
Oh, what’s that you say? You just wanted to make sure you get the best person for the job? How do you think you’re gonna feel when your wife makes a similar assessment? That’s right Phil, this week while you’re at your ‘super important job,’ I will be entering your home, making sweet love to your wife, and taking your precious little chocolate lab home with me.
You’ve made yourself quite Googleable, Phillip. Yeah, I know your name. I know your wife’s name too, my friend, but by the end of this week, she will know mine quite well. We’re already friends on Instagram, and she is just itching for me to come over.
I hope while you’re busy feeling like a big man at your staffing company, whatever the fuck that means, you’re thinking about your lovely Laura at home sharing your bed with an unemployed 24-year-old who’s never had a non-customer service job in her life. Your wife is gonna like it better with me, Phil. Your dog will respond to my call faster than he ever did yours. I will claim everything you hold dear in the safety of your own home. Don’t test me, Phil, I’ve got bacon in my pocket, no job, and I’m ready to dominate your household.
Don’t even try to justify yourself, it’s too late. I may not be as experienced as your company “needs,” but I will become the man of your house by Tuesday. How’s that for efficient project completion skills? And just as quickly as I enter, little Roscoe and I will be gone.
Oh, and by the way, along with your dog, I will also be stealing any treasured family items you have on my way out. Laura will tell me where they are. They will now be passed down through my family, Phil. You piece of shit, Phil.