Listen, I’ll grant that you’ve made some salient points here. However, I still feel like I’ve seen plenty of evidence to the contrary, and the pros are still outweighing the cons. Also, you seem pretty upset, which really isn’t helping your argument. Should I come back later and we can discuss this with some civility?
Fine. Considering that you just pulled me back, you’re pretty intent on addressing this now. Well, the onus is on you, buddy, because I’m definitely not convinced that breaking my kid’s arm WON’T result in him pitching for the Chicago Cubs. So how about you put your phone down and we have a rational conversation? I’m sure cooler heads will prevail.
Okay, now you’re just staring at me in disbelief, so I’ll start. First, have you been following the MLB standings? The Cubs are in last place in the NL Central at the All-Star Break. Imagine their delight when they find out a twelve year old from Lakeview has a tendon in his arm that healed too tightly, and he’s throwing 100 MPH fastballs. They’ll be chomping at the bit to sign him. Wrigley will be PACKED for a kid who’s gone from dropping popups in Pony League to striking out Christian Yelich overnight. Can you imagine?
I guess not. And what did I say about the phone? There’s no reason to invite a third party into this conversation, whether it’s a concerned individual or a child welfare organization. We’re both adults here. I’ll be happy to walk away, and then we’ll see who’s “completely delusional and wholly unfit to be a parent” when you’re screaming into the void.
I haven’t even gotten to the meat and potatoes here. Think of the endorsements! The multimillion-dollar signing bonus is one thing, but picture the checks coming in when this kid starts hawking Pepsi and Nike products! “Bo Knows”? Not anymore he doesn’t, because a commercial with a tween baseball wunderkind playing the piano like Ray Charles will blow every other promotion line out of the goddamn water. College=paid for! Frankly, I’d be an abusive parent if I WASN’T contemplating pushing him in such a way that he lands awkwardly on his throwing arm.
Judging by the sudden arrival of some very stern-faced members of both law enforcement and CPS, you’ve ignored my completely reasonable request to keep this discussion exclusive to the two of us. Well, broken bones heal, but the monetary and life experience benefits of a hijinks-laden but still family-friendly season on the mound for the Cubs will last a lifetime. I’ll explain it to them. I’m sure they’re a lot more sensible than you are.
Oof, or not. I guess I can just train my kid to be the first minor to manage an MLB team once I’m allowed to see him again. I hear the Twins are in the market for one.