BUTLER, Penn. — Trump campaign officials confirmed that the attempted assassination of the former President this past weekend resulted in a minor injury to his ear and light bruising to his chest due to four additional bullets which were deflected back at the shooter by Trump’s undying love for his country, multiple MAGA sources confirmed.
“President Trump is in high spirits today and ready to get back on the campaign trail. Some people are calling him lucky for surviving the shooting, but we’ve known for years that he can’t be killed by conventional weapons,” said campaign adviser Louis Gimble. “His unmatched love for America is like a forcefield that protects him anywhere he goes. It’s why he’s perfectly healthy at his age while only eating American-made fast food. Some people might doubt this claim and say ‘Well then why was his ear injured?’ And the answer is simple, his ears are vulnerable because that allows God, Jesus, and the Founding Fathers to talk with him directly.”
Butler resident Scott Winston was in attendance at the rally when shots rang out.
“I was never scared, not for one second. I heard gunfire and the sun seemed to dim just a little bit as bullets ricocheted off Mr. Trump. Some people think he dove to the ground to avoid more bullets, but it was actually because an American flag had fallen off his podium and he was jumping on top of it to protect Old Glory from bullets,” said Winston while wearing a MAGA hat and a shirt that said “Set Joe Biden on Fire in Front of His Family.” “Unfortunately the crowd wasn’t so lucky, one man was killed and two more were critically injured, but if President Trump is reelected he will be powerful enough that his love will protect all his supporters when someone enacts their Second Amendment right in public.”
Right-wing musician Kid Rock was quick to offer his support to the former president in this trying time.
“Listen up you Anitfa fuck faces, if you mess with Trump anymore I’m going to come to your house and dip my balls on your old lady’s forehead, then I’m going to take a dump in your kitchen sink, you hear me?” said Kid Rock. “The only way to stop another assassination attempt is to make sure everyone at those events is armed and vigilant. Come to my place and grab a gun, let’s ride Cowboys.”
At press time, Trump officials were trying to convince Bon Jovi to change the lyrics from “Shot Through the Heart” to “Shot through the ear, Biden is to blame, Trump brand steaks are the best in the game.”