Are you ready to be devastated by the ravages of time? I mean just completely gutted, like looking at the palms of your hands and wondering where your life went-type shit? Okay, here’s the skinny: “Gargoyles,” the popular cartoon from your childhood, actually came out 30 years ago, and you have accomplished absolutely nothing in your entire life. Damn, that feels old!
That’s right, your favorite Saturday morning sword and sorcery cartoon, featuring the voice talents of Keith David, Jonathan Frakes, and Marina Sirtis is three decades old. Meanwhile, you, featuring virtually no talent to speak of in any field, are a bonafide first-class loser who is even older than the cartoon that, as we’ve established, is very old! Fuck, that has to hurt!
Now now, don’t get so upset. You’ve done SOME cool things with your time on this earth. Remember when you went toe to toe with The Pack? Or that time you mastered the spells of The Grimorum Arcanorum? What about the time you found the two halves of the Phoenix Gate and got transported to Avalon? No, wait, no, that was all stuff Gargoyles did. Wow, you’ve been severely outpaced in life by a children’s cartoon. That can’t feel good.
Hey, look on the bright side, you’re old enough to have sired one of Leonardo DiCaprio’s exes and you still have roommates. Whoops, that’s not a bright side. Better just look at the TV or something. Maybe “Gargoyles” is on!
You know how we know you’re a fucking loser? Because we said “Wanna feel old?” and you, by clicking on this, said “yes.” Think about that! Is that something a winner does? If we said to a winner right now “Hey, you wanna feel like an absolute puddle of shit?” they would reply “No way, I’m too busy winning.” but you? You’re all like “Yes Daddy, punish me with your depressing factoids, I deserve it!” That is no way to go through life dude! Why would you just let us DUNK ON YOU like that?
It’s like your self-esteem is a gargoyle petrified by sunlight, and we’re a Viking with a big ole mace, does that help? Is that DUMBED DOWN enough for your loser cotton candy ass? “Gargoyles” is old enough to drink and you are old enough to stop drinking, but you don’t.