BALTIMORE — Local resident Gavin Moldenhauer is reportedly demanding all romantic partners sign a Non-Disclosure Agreement to keep his obsession with ska music secret, according to sources seeking legal advice.
“Coming from a very prominent family, it’s important that I don’t do anything to embarrass them,” Moldenhauer stated as he watched the “Shark Fighter!” music video on loop. “My dad said if I ever wanted to take over the business I needed to keep a clean public image, so I have no choice but to get women to legally promise not to mention that I love to skank it up. I was born a rude boy and I’ll die a rude boy, but in the meantime, I need to suppress it otherwise pops will cut me out. Plus, it’s not like I’m a murderer or anything, though my family might actually prefer that to my love of Mustard Plug.”
Former fiancée Billie Parker described how she felt when he presented her with one such contract.
“At first I thought he just wanted me to sign a prenup, but then he broke down like a little bitch and revealed that he was much deeper into ska than the few Fishbone CDs he owned, and that if I wanted to get married I’d have to take this info to my grave,” said Parker. “I lost a lot of respect for him that day, not because he tried to force me into any legal arrangements, but because he showed me a Reel Big Fish song while physically dancing to it. I could have handled it if his secret was something cooler like he committed identity theft once, but certainly not that dork shit.”
Legal expert Paul Buchanan explained that NDAs involving embarrassing music are very common.
“Though most of the NDAs we normally do involve privileged information between employers and employees, we also see a lot of them dealing with private citizens trying to keep their sad musical taste under wraps,” stated Buchanan. “In the early 2000s we had a lot of clients wanting them drafted to hide their love of Creed, and most recently we had a distinguished physician who forced his staff to sign one so the public wouldn’t find out that he was Juggalo for life. A patient did eventually figure that one out after he woke up from surgery with a crushed can of Diet Moon Mist in his abdominal cavity.”
At press time, Moldenhauer updated his NDAs to include Kid Rock, which he totally forgot he was into for a brief time in middle school.