LAS VEGAS – Former football star and accused double-murderer OJ Simpson took one last instinctual swipe at a blonde nurse standing nearby just before taking his final dying breath, according to sources too afraid to check his pulse.
“I’ve worked here for over ten years, and this is the first time a patient on their deathbed tried to take someone with them,” stated nurse Summer Boyd. “All I remember was standing near his bed, getting ready to prepare him for his next chapter into the afterlife, when his right hand suddenly and without warning took a swipe at my neck with a plastic knife he liked to hold for comfort. It was weird because we already heard the death rattle so we thought everything was over, but it was typical OJ to keep everyone on their toes. I’m still not convinced he’s gone, I’m just going to stay away from the body until someone wheels him out of here.”
Father Thomas Bennet who was also present when OJ passed described what he witnessed.
“Jesus, Joseph, and Mary!” said a confused Father Bennet. “The seminary prepared me for a lot of difficult things, but never something like that. I was only asked to administer Last Rites to one person so I wasn’t prepared for a possible murder also. I could have sworn that I saw his spirit already leave his body before his last attempt at violence. I’ve heard of such postmortem spasms occurring but generally only in some animal species or in some humans when Diablo himself was present. Goddamn, it was really fucking intense.”
Friend and golf partner Alex Rivera explained how OJ had a history of taking stabs at people who looked similar to his ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson and her friend Ron Goldman.
“That was just Juice being Juice,” said Rivera. “Most of the time we’d be out just chilling listening to OJ bragging about beating football records and the justice system, when he’d suddenly take a shot at a random person who resembled those two people he definitely didn’t kill. At first we thought he was just joking around because that was his fun personality, but eventually we realized he wasn’t even aware that he was doing it. It was like his brain had no idea what his arms were doing, we hope.”
At press time, the funeral home would only agree to hold OJ’s service if he was in a closed casket, behind protective glass, and out of arm’s reach of any mourners.