Diane Cranford
January 29, 1951 – July 14, 2023
Born in Odessa, Texas, Diane Cranford was raised by local rodeo clowns “Slappy” and “Dr. Floppy Boots” for much of her early life. The skills she learned from these early influences would prove very useful after her relocation to the Austin scene.
Ms. Cranford quickly developed a reputation in the scene by ensuring all pits were free from crowdkillers and unprovoked gorings. She applied her rodeo clown techniques to other groups of violent animals, such as Boston hardcore crews or metalheads on their third case of Coors for the night. Ms. Cranford’s most rootin’ tootin’ pit rescue was during the Big Boys show of 1983, when she successfully distracted an enraged Randy Turner before he could disembowel a fan who had mistakenly taken a swig out of his stage Fresca.
She was preceded in death by Slappy, and is survived by Dr. Floppy Boots who now runs a podiatry clinic. In lieu of flowers, Ms. Cranford requested mourners throw whipped cream pies in each other’s faces in her honor.
Casper “Van Humper” Rollard
April 15, 1980 – July 17, 2023
Born and raised in Bozeman, Montana, Casper Rollard was an avid motorhead. Affectionately known to his close friends and family as “Van Humper,” he was legally prohibited from being within fifty feet of any Chevy Astro, which often made touring with his band The Four Wheelers difficult.
Ever active in the scene, Mr. Rollard could often be found at local skateparks asking if anyone else was interested in remote control cars and then making vrooming noises with his mouth. Once, he attempted to eat an entire tractor tire, and made it nearly a third of the way through before being rushed to the emergency room with what the doctors dubbed “rubber rectum.” Mr. Rollard died earlier this week after competing in a demolition derby using his own human body in lieu of a vehicle – he finished in second place.
He is survived by his wife Prius, his children Mitsubishi and Dune Buggy, and his former band, who in his honor are already planning a reunion set at Sturgis this year.
The Expulted
December 12, 2021 – July 16, 2023
Folk-thrash band The Expulted was formed in Philadelphia by guitarist Went Silverman, washboard player Dale “Dead Toe” Polinchock, and a wiley kazoo player known to everyone only as “Skuzzles.” The band’s first gig was an illegal acoustic set in the back of that building where the city keeps the Liberty Bell.
The Expulted was unable to tour for most of their short tenure, as the Philadelphia Department of Rabies had fitted Skuzzles with a shock collar to keep him within city limits as a protective measure against the non-Philadelphian world. However, the department administrator recently forgot to change the batteries in the collar, and so on July 14th, the band set out on a grand world tour spanning the lower forty-eight United States, Canada, Mexico, Peru, unflooded parts of Europe, and the Republic of the Union of Myanmar. They made it two days before Skuzzles reverted to a feral state and shredded the rest of the band to pieces before being put down by an armed sound guy.
The Expulted are survived by members of the Philadelphia Civil Service Commission and the recently founded Department of Collar Maintenance.