LINCOLN, Mass. — Local homeowner Shauneese Fortenberry was surprised to receive a “punk” singing telegram yesterday that left the entire front of her house in ruins, sources confirmed while wading through the rubble.
“In retrospect, I definitely should have known something was up when that telegram showed up an hour early for ‘load in and sound check.’ That should have tipped me off,” said Fortenberry while trying to contact her insurance. “Later, he returned dressed like a turn-of-the-century milkman, blew into a tuning pipe, and proceeded to launch into one of the most blistering, distorted ‘songs about how a secret admirer has feelings for me’ I’ve ever heard, while hanging from the LED light fixtures, punching windows, and punting my lawn gnome collection into my neighbor’s pool one-by-one. It was almost as sweet as it was borderline-criminal.”
A representative of the gift service in question asserted that they were in no way liable for the damage caused.
“Our contracts only require the sender’s signature to absolve us of any and all destruction our telegrams cause to porches, verandas, gazebos, and koi ponds. Like recording a prank call in Las Vegas, we only require single party consent,” said Raisin’ Hell-ograms founder Ignatz Moreau. “Besides, can’t we all agree that Ms. Fortenberry here should be more concerned in finding out who her secret admirer is, than she should be shaking us down for a new gargoyle or some shit? She must understand that there’s an exciting mystery afoot.”
Contractor Brennett Knox expressed dismay over the destruction of a perfectly good porch.
“I may be showing my age here, but, seems to me a ‘singing telegram’ should sing, not shriek and throw itself through any pane of glass they see. Whatever happened to crooners? Boy, he really did a number on this porch,” opined Knox, sucking his teeth in mourning. “It’s still on fire in some places, so I’ll have to wait out the blaze before I build it again. This will take months, maybe years, of working very closely with Ms. Fortenberry, I fear. We’re in for the long haul, and ready to put in the work, if she’ll have us.”
Upon further investigation, the “secret admirer” was revealed to be Mr. Knox himself, who misguidedly thought rebuilding the porch would be a good, low-pressure way to spend time with his crush.