LOS ANGELES — Representatives from Neutrogena announced they finally perfected a formula strong enough to be certified as “Goth-Strength” by the FDA just in time for the hot summer months, outdoor festivals, and beach days.
“We want our customer base to know that no matter what skin tone or subculture you are we view you as worthy of being safe from the sun’s harmful UV rays. After many failed attempts we were able to perfect our newest formula which is an SPF 250 and able to withstand the harsh demands of goths,” stated Neutrogena scientist Leif Forstfodd. “We proudly do not test on animals so all our research had to be done with actual goths and we are forever grateful for their service and sacrifice in helping our research. These brave, dour souls were exposed to extended time in the sun they hadn’t experienced since their parents forced them to play sports when they were children, and society is better off because of it.”
Long-time goth and avid hiker Wolf Shison was one of the successful test subjects and hailed Neutrogena’s new sunscreen as a life-changing product.
“Thanks to this new formula I’m no longer constrained to only hiking at dusk, dawn, or the blackest of nights. I can go out and enjoy the scenery without fear of losing my near-translucent glow that I’ve worked hard to maintain. It has also come in handy when going to outdoor festivals as it allows me to ditch the lace umbrella and just have fun,” said Shison. “It quickly became a must-have with our friends and now we can spend all day at Hollywood Forever cemetery instead of just going to the nighttime events. It works so well that some of the groundskeepers actually think we are reanimated corpses, which is the greatest compliment.”
Merchants are already implementing a first-come-first-serve queue outside their stores to meet the demand.
“We don’t want to see violence erupt over a thing like sunscreen so we pre-emptively decided to set up a line outside with strict limits once we noticed goths coming in and being visibly disappointed when we told them we were sold out,” said local CVS manager Jerry Twine. “I don’t know if it worked too well because now they won’t leave even after they make their purchase. We’ve noticed groups of goths hanging around the entrance smoking, writing poetry, and reading H.P. Lovecraft stories. I have no idea how to make them leave.”
Neutragena’s parent company Johnson & Johnson hopes to break into another musical subculture market by unveiling a new line of “No Tears” shampoo strictly for emo adults.