It’s getting entirely too hot to be outside and you know what that means: It’s Renaissance Faire season!
Baking in a parking lot all day wearing period-appropriate tight leather attire isn’t something a sane person would do by choice, let alone pay for, which is why horniness is the lifeblood of the Ren-Faire industry.
Gather round ye wenches and swordsmen and submit yourself to this rousing inquisition to determine if you’re Renaissance Faire horny or just stay at home and masturbate for free horny, if ye dare!
Does the sight of people sweating in their leather bodices make paying $25 for a smoked turkey leg in 90-degree heat seem appetizing and reasonable?
Maybe it isn’t poultry ye truly hungers for, if ye catch me meaning!
Is the opportunity to publicly indulge in thinly veiled kink play worth literally all of your money?
If you’re ready to shell out $500 for a hand-crafted flogger first and worry about rent later, welcome home.
Are you so fucking horny?
Like just, “I am literally going to fucking explode” horny? Then maybe you need to be where people get you.
Are you interested in spending $65 on organic honey sold by an attractive cosplayer?
Nothing makes the selling power of local honey’s curative properties hit harder than a period-appropriate corset or codpiece, depending on ye’s fancy.
Have you burnt yourself out on every Game of Thrones sex scene?
Even Jamie Lannister and Brienne of Tarth? Stop taking this quiz and go pay the $40 zero-inclusive entry fee immediately m’lady or lord!
Does a man dressed as an old-timey blacksmith selling hentai out of a tent for some reason seem normal to you?
If he wasn’t a legitimate merchant, why would they let him have a tent in a parking lot?
Does candle making just kinda do it for you?
Like, REALLY do it for you?
Do you feel no need to question why a bunch of the ren fair people are pirates because pirates are also very sexy to you?
Ren fair just means time-sexy, right?
Have you been deprived of sex long enough to have mastered archery?
Maybe you should go to the one place where that means something!
Do you love horses, because of their majesty?
Best not to unpack this one just get to the ren fair asap!
Do you walk around all day wishing for an excuse to call total strangers wenches, bastards and harlots?
That’s not appropriate no matter where you are, but at the ren fair people are 10% more likely to dismiss you as a harmless drunk loser, so have at it?
Did it not occur to you that there would be kids at this god damn thing?
Whoops.
If you answered yes to 3 or more of these questions then huzzah fair traveler, the Renaissance Faire welcomes ye with open arms and an off-putting lack of boundaries. If ye answered yes to two or less questions than nay, begone ye from thy leathery fields of frivolous spending and just go on PornHub.